Suffering is not pointless

I cannot thank everyone for their support following my last blog post. I felt so loved and protected and for that I am grateful, as those are two emotions I've not always experienced. Some friends reached out saying they weren't sure what to say.

There's really nothing you need to say. And I don't know about you, but sexual molestation and struggles with being fat, um, two awkward topics. What do you say? Selfishly, I post these blogs for me, to get out what I'm working on, to document my progress, pains, struggles and triumphs. I've always said that if something I am going through helps someone else, even in the smallest way, like to make them laugh or think "thank goodness I'm not like that," then it's a dual purpose.

I've come to recognize over the last few years that everything happens for a reason, no suffering is pointless. It's not always something you can embrace when you're going through the shit, but on the other side, it becomes clear. Just like when Tim Robbins' character crawled through 500 yards of shit to get out of Shawshank prison to freedom on the other side. It wasn't a coincidence that he left during a storm, the water cleaning him when he reached the end of the tunnel (it was the writer's infusion of symbolism :-}). Although sometimes I know this to be true, I still struggle with taking the leap of faith at times and embracing it and feeling it in my soul.

From what I can string together, here's what I think. I experienced this as a child, developed mechanisms to cope, which turned into great codependency. Because I was severely codependent I found myself best friends with an addict. Through my friendship with this addict I developed an understanding of addiction and the tools to cope with this through my discovery of Alanon. Through my work in Alanon I have started unlocking the gates to entire new me. This new me found my way to a job that I love and a life of purpose, knowing this is EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be. All the pain and suffering was not without purpose.

When I first entered into Alanon, I had to find a connection with a higher power in order to work the program. Well, I really struggled with this. I had been raised Catholic, so I figured that higher power should be God. I then identified that I resented God. How could God, who was supposed to protect those who believed in Him, loved Him, let such horrible things happen to a young girl like what happened to me? Sparing you the details, with the help of Alanon and others I forgave and found a conscious contact with a God that I believe in.

If you know me well, you know that I don't speak much of religion or politics with many people, that's just me. But I have been yearning for a deeper connection to my God and have been struggling with how to find this.

Some good friends reached out me after my blog post to join them at church today. Without much thought, I accepted. The church was 180 from what I was used to growing up Catholic. But wanting to deepen this connection, I went with an open mind.

I would have sworn the topic was hand picked for me. Just another God moment that I've come to love and appreciate.

"...Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

Thank you for Mark Vroregop for sharing this message. It was exactly what I need for my head to catch up to my heart, the right words to explain what I knew in my heart, but couldn't quite express in a logical manner.

For the first time in my life, I finally love everything that I am and everything that I know I'm still to become. I know that my journey is still unfolding, the end game will always be an unknown, the end game might not even come clear until after I've left this body. As someone 15 years younger than me once said "Until I love myself, I don't have enough love in my cup to share with others."

To everyone that has shared their love with me until I had the strength and conviction to love myself, thank you. To all my friends struggling, I do now love myself and my cup runneth over, with love to share to you. So borrow my love to get through these difficult times and find comfort in knowing that your suffering is not pointless, have hope that it's taking you to a better you.

To pull from one of my favorite songs by Dave Matthews Band "What I want is what I've not got, but what I need is all around me."