I cannot thank everyone for their support following my last blog post. I felt so loved and protected and for that I am grateful, as those are two emotions I've not always experienced. Some friends reached out saying they weren't sure what to say.
There's really nothing you need to say. And I don't know about you, but sexual molestation and struggles with being fat, um, two awkward topics. What do you say? Selfishly, I post these blogs for me, to get out what I'm working on, to document my progress, pains, struggles and triumphs. I've always said that if something I am going through helps someone else, even in the smallest way, like to make them laugh or think "thank goodness I'm not like that," then it's a dual purpose.
I've come to recognize over the last few years that everything happens for a reason, no suffering is pointless. It's not always something you can embrace when you're going through the shit, but on the other side, it becomes clear. Just like when Tim Robbins' character crawled through 500 yards of shit to get out of Shawshank prison to freedom on the other side. It wasn't a coincidence that he left during a storm, the water cleaning him when he reached the end of the tunnel (it was the writer's infusion of symbolism :-}). Although sometimes I know this to be true, I still struggle with taking the leap of faith at times and embracing it and feeling it in my soul.
From what I can string together, here's what I think. I experienced this as a child, developed mechanisms to cope, which turned into great codependency. Because I was severely codependent I found myself best friends with an addict. Through my friendship with this addict I developed an understanding of addiction and the tools to cope with this through my discovery of Alanon. Through my work in Alanon I have started unlocking the gates to entire new me. This new me found my way to a job that I love and a life of purpose, knowing this is EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be. All the pain and suffering was not without purpose.
When I first entered into Alanon, I had to find a connection with a higher power in order to work the program. Well, I really struggled with this. I had been raised Catholic, so I figured that higher power should be God. I then identified that I resented God. How could God, who was supposed to protect those who believed in Him, loved Him, let such horrible things happen to a young girl like what happened to me? Sparing you the details, with the help of Alanon and others I forgave and found a conscious contact with a God that I believe in.
If you know me well, you know that I don't speak much of religion or politics with many people, that's just me. But I have been yearning for a deeper connection to my God and have been struggling with how to find this.
Some good friends reached out me after my blog post to join them at church today. Without much thought, I accepted. The church was 180 from what I was used to growing up Catholic. But wanting to deepen this connection, I went with an open mind.
I would have sworn the topic was hand picked for me. Just another God moment that I've come to love and appreciate.
"...Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5
Thank you for Mark Vroregop for sharing this message. It was exactly what I need for my head to catch up to my heart, the right words to explain what I knew in my heart, but couldn't quite express in a logical manner.
For the first time in my life, I finally love everything that I am and everything that I know I'm still to become. I know that my journey is still unfolding, the end game will always be an unknown, the end game might not even come clear until after I've left this body. As someone 15 years younger than me once said "Until I love myself, I don't have enough love in my cup to share with others."
To everyone that has shared their love with me until I had the strength and conviction to love myself, thank you. To all my friends struggling, I do now love myself and my cup runneth over, with love to share to you. So borrow my love to get through these difficult times and find comfort in knowing that your suffering is not pointless, have hope that it's taking you to a better you.
To pull from one of my favorite songs by Dave Matthews Band "What I want is what I've not got, but what I need is all around me."
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Fear unmasked
This morning was a good one. I saw Jesse at one of our BoMF runs and decided today was the day. I asked him if he wanted to do a run/walk as he was ready, he is one of the fastest walkers. The thing I love about Jesse is he has a positive attitude. He always has a smile and has been willing to do anything we ask of him. I reassured him we'd take it block by block, go at the speed he was comfortable at. It was his first time running with BoMF and he was so proud, the smile never left his face, even though it was humid and he was feeling every step. He said "I'm feeling so alive." I loved that moment, so proud of him and he was so proud of himself, as he should be!
As I run on Wednesdays with the team, I run past Roberts Park Church. That is where my life changed exactly five years ago. After Labor Day in 2009, just before my 30th birthday, I went to my first running class with Coach Hathaway. I had accepted an invitation to run a half marathon that following March, I hadn't run since middle school soccer and field hockey, and for some reason I thought I was going to tackle 13.1 miles?! At the end of our class we went for a group run. I knew I would start out in the walking group, I made it about a half of a mile and had to turn back. My ankles and shins were so tight and I was in so much pain. I went in and told the coach I was quitting. He told me to come back, it would get easier.
Little did I realize this was going to be the first step toward the rest of my life. Just like our team members, sometimes they realize it and sometimes they don't, but it's the first step to a new person.
Early on, growing up I was an average kid, you look at pictures, I even look average. But, behind closed doors, where no one, not even my parents knew, something not average was happening. Someone that I should be able to trust was sexually molesting me. Someone that should be protecting me was forever changing the course of my life. Looking back at pictures, I know exactly when it stopped. From one school year to the next I ballooned up. Between 5 and 6. What I didn't realize at the time it was that was a subconscious way of protecting myself from ever being hurt like that again. Growing up, I grew out, always one of the largest kids in the grade. Out of this, grew coping mechanisms. My humor and my care for others (which would later develop into severe codependency) were things I used to get people to like me and accept me despite looking different from others.
With this came struggle with my weight, not remembering what it was to be a "normal" size or do things with ease that other kids my age were doing. But out of that came my stick-to-itness, fuck-it and don't quit attitude. Everyone that struggles with body image, regardless of why or how and has issues. Mine was I never knew any different from what I could remember, so these masks that I had developed, became permanent to who I was.
When the molestation came out many years later and I faced this person, I thought the shackles that kept me prisoner in my own body would magically disappear. I thought that it would be the key to losing this weight that I carried for far too long. But I quickly realized it didn't happen like that. I had developed these masks and it had become who I was, maybe even who I was destined to be. My habits weren't going to change overnight just because I had been freed from carrying this secret.
I tried to make changes. But I started unwinding this huge entwined ball of fear. Who was I without the weight? Would I really find happiness on the other side? Would I really find a healthy relationship with a man that I thought I deserved? What about having to get some reconstructive surgery? What if people didn't like me anymore? Even stupid shit like people knew me with big boobs, what would happen when they disappeared? What personality was really hiding under all this fat? Even though I had identified this I let the fear of the unknown cripple me.
Five years ago, when I accepted this challenge of a half marathon, I had no clue I'd start facing these fears head on. I just knew I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was after preparing for my first Alanon lead that I realized what I was up against, why the fear froze me and that I needed to surrender. Once I said the word surrender, it started for feel more freeing and less scary.
So fast forward five years, I have made so much progress, yet really none at all. While I've lost nearly 45 pounds and can now completed a 140.6 mile Ironman, I still face fear. I still can't quite break the plateau and lose the rest of the weight. I am proud to post pictures of my transformation as I love looking at other's pictures. Yet, I get so incredibly uncomfortable when anyone wants to talk about the transformation in person. I think it's because I'm faced head on with the shame that I was ever that person to begin with and that I haven't made more progress in that amount of time.
I realize the fear is deeper than I first recognized and that it has somewhat morphed. I realized in July that I do triathlon because I love it. I also realized that if I lose weight, it makes something I love so much easier. That makes the weight loss about a calculated and precise outcome. I'll get faster. Period. It's physics. It takes the unknown out of the fear of weight loss; such as will I finally meet a mate (because if I get the "why are you still single? you're too great to not be with someone" line again I'm going to go ape shit!), will my personality change? I don't know those answers and have been too scared to see what they are. And as I type this, these questions out loud sound so ridiculous to me, but they are questions that scare the shit out of me.
I started writing this blog because I wanted to be honest with myself. It has helped me heal in so many ways. It has keep me real with myself. And from what people tell me, it has inspired many, some are faces I'll never know. But much like the molestation, it pushed me into a mold that I didn't realize, intend or pick on my own. It has brought my story to the attention of many, an attention I wasn't prepared for or wanted, but I'm not going to lie, I love knowing so many people in the sport! This story I've shared and my attitude has caught the attention of some people at WTC (and Ironband) that has made my journey unlike ANYONE else in the sport to come thus far.
At races I'm that noticeably the slowest, largest and most out of place person there. I've accepted that. And I've embraced that. Although with it comes a lot of snickers, shocked looks and reactions and judgment behind your back; it also comes with a lot of praise, support and accolades. So if I get faster, get thinner, then I disappear into the crowd. I'm just another average triathlete racing. I realize after some shit that happened this season, I'm really okay with that. But it's just another mask I'll have to shed but first I had to identify the fear behind it.
Today after running with Jesse, I ran some on my own to get the rest of my workout in. Maybe it was the high I got from watching Jesse try something and succeed, maybe it was the 3 cups of coffee I had in between, maybe it was the conversation I had with a dear friend, whatever it was, I was running sub 12 minute miles for 5 miles to finish my workout. For the first time in my life, I got that runner's high as I had a full running stride. Not just a fast jog, not a shuffle, but a full out run; when I saw my legs in a store window, I didn't recognize them or the stride.
What a long way from that girl who couldn't walk a half mile at an 18 minute pace without being miserable. All it took was to break apart FEAR.
Instead of Fuck Everything and Run
I'm choosing
Face Everything and Recover
The journey is far from over. As I see it, it's just beginning. Just as I'm happy to help those around me in BoMF keep at it and pushing themselves, I'm so very glad that Coach Hathaway (Rest in Peace) told me to keep coming back.
As I run on Wednesdays with the team, I run past Roberts Park Church. That is where my life changed exactly five years ago. After Labor Day in 2009, just before my 30th birthday, I went to my first running class with Coach Hathaway. I had accepted an invitation to run a half marathon that following March, I hadn't run since middle school soccer and field hockey, and for some reason I thought I was going to tackle 13.1 miles?! At the end of our class we went for a group run. I knew I would start out in the walking group, I made it about a half of a mile and had to turn back. My ankles and shins were so tight and I was in so much pain. I went in and told the coach I was quitting. He told me to come back, it would get easier.
Little did I realize this was going to be the first step toward the rest of my life. Just like our team members, sometimes they realize it and sometimes they don't, but it's the first step to a new person.
Early on, growing up I was an average kid, you look at pictures, I even look average. But, behind closed doors, where no one, not even my parents knew, something not average was happening. Someone that I should be able to trust was sexually molesting me. Someone that should be protecting me was forever changing the course of my life. Looking back at pictures, I know exactly when it stopped. From one school year to the next I ballooned up. Between 5 and 6. What I didn't realize at the time it was that was a subconscious way of protecting myself from ever being hurt like that again. Growing up, I grew out, always one of the largest kids in the grade. Out of this, grew coping mechanisms. My humor and my care for others (which would later develop into severe codependency) were things I used to get people to like me and accept me despite looking different from others.
With this came struggle with my weight, not remembering what it was to be a "normal" size or do things with ease that other kids my age were doing. But out of that came my stick-to-itness, fuck-it and don't quit attitude. Everyone that struggles with body image, regardless of why or how and has issues. Mine was I never knew any different from what I could remember, so these masks that I had developed, became permanent to who I was.
When the molestation came out many years later and I faced this person, I thought the shackles that kept me prisoner in my own body would magically disappear. I thought that it would be the key to losing this weight that I carried for far too long. But I quickly realized it didn't happen like that. I had developed these masks and it had become who I was, maybe even who I was destined to be. My habits weren't going to change overnight just because I had been freed from carrying this secret.
I tried to make changes. But I started unwinding this huge entwined ball of fear. Who was I without the weight? Would I really find happiness on the other side? Would I really find a healthy relationship with a man that I thought I deserved? What about having to get some reconstructive surgery? What if people didn't like me anymore? Even stupid shit like people knew me with big boobs, what would happen when they disappeared? What personality was really hiding under all this fat? Even though I had identified this I let the fear of the unknown cripple me.
Five years ago, when I accepted this challenge of a half marathon, I had no clue I'd start facing these fears head on. I just knew I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was after preparing for my first Alanon lead that I realized what I was up against, why the fear froze me and that I needed to surrender. Once I said the word surrender, it started for feel more freeing and less scary.
So fast forward five years, I have made so much progress, yet really none at all. While I've lost nearly 45 pounds and can now completed a 140.6 mile Ironman, I still face fear. I still can't quite break the plateau and lose the rest of the weight. I am proud to post pictures of my transformation as I love looking at other's pictures. Yet, I get so incredibly uncomfortable when anyone wants to talk about the transformation in person. I think it's because I'm faced head on with the shame that I was ever that person to begin with and that I haven't made more progress in that amount of time.
I realize the fear is deeper than I first recognized and that it has somewhat morphed. I realized in July that I do triathlon because I love it. I also realized that if I lose weight, it makes something I love so much easier. That makes the weight loss about a calculated and precise outcome. I'll get faster. Period. It's physics. It takes the unknown out of the fear of weight loss; such as will I finally meet a mate (because if I get the "why are you still single? you're too great to not be with someone" line again I'm going to go ape shit!), will my personality change? I don't know those answers and have been too scared to see what they are. And as I type this, these questions out loud sound so ridiculous to me, but they are questions that scare the shit out of me.
I started writing this blog because I wanted to be honest with myself. It has helped me heal in so many ways. It has keep me real with myself. And from what people tell me, it has inspired many, some are faces I'll never know. But much like the molestation, it pushed me into a mold that I didn't realize, intend or pick on my own. It has brought my story to the attention of many, an attention I wasn't prepared for or wanted, but I'm not going to lie, I love knowing so many people in the sport! This story I've shared and my attitude has caught the attention of some people at WTC (and Ironband) that has made my journey unlike ANYONE else in the sport to come thus far.
At races I'm that noticeably the slowest, largest and most out of place person there. I've accepted that. And I've embraced that. Although with it comes a lot of snickers, shocked looks and reactions and judgment behind your back; it also comes with a lot of praise, support and accolades. So if I get faster, get thinner, then I disappear into the crowd. I'm just another average triathlete racing. I realize after some shit that happened this season, I'm really okay with that. But it's just another mask I'll have to shed but first I had to identify the fear behind it.
Today after running with Jesse, I ran some on my own to get the rest of my workout in. Maybe it was the high I got from watching Jesse try something and succeed, maybe it was the 3 cups of coffee I had in between, maybe it was the conversation I had with a dear friend, whatever it was, I was running sub 12 minute miles for 5 miles to finish my workout. For the first time in my life, I got that runner's high as I had a full running stride. Not just a fast jog, not a shuffle, but a full out run; when I saw my legs in a store window, I didn't recognize them or the stride.
What a long way from that girl who couldn't walk a half mile at an 18 minute pace without being miserable. All it took was to break apart FEAR.
Instead of Fuck Everything and Run
I'm choosing
Face Everything and Recover
The journey is far from over. As I see it, it's just beginning. Just as I'm happy to help those around me in BoMF keep at it and pushing themselves, I'm so very glad that Coach Hathaway (Rest in Peace) told me to keep coming back.
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