It's a black fly, in your chardonnay; isn't it ironic? Yes, it is quite ironic that my last post was how I was in love with training, life is grand. Just a few weeks later I've had a complete meltdown and have to fucking ride my bike on my trainer in my house just so I don't get any ideas about forgetting to stop at a stop sign during a ride in the cornfields.
Coming off two pretty damn solid 15 hour training weeks and this week I struggled to get in 10.5. This meltdown is not triggered by my training. It's triggered by shit outside training weighing me down, like being stuck in quick sand, until I eventually I've sunk.
I'm facing some conflicts at work with my personal values. I only share this because I laid it all out for my boss on Wednesday. I'm struggling to find solutions and asked for help. I've tried hard, but it's spilled into every nook and cranny of my life and I haven't felt this depressed since probably my first year in college. Unlike college, I've not cried or felt hurt, I've just been numb to everything around me.
Everything around me is a fucking mess. My lawn is a disaster. My house is a wreck. I've been living out of laundry baskets of clean clothes in my dining room for the last week. I've been sleeping where ever I seem to fall asleep after playing hours of candy crush (thank god people for all the lives you've sent me!). In the past two weeks I've been in two conversations about candy crush, for like an hour each. How does a game invade our lives so much? It's really crack.
Oops, tangent.
I tried lots of things this week and nothing snapped me out of this fuckity fuck fuck funk. Things would help temporarily but eventually I was back in funkville. I should pick up the phone and call someone but I don't have anything to talk about. I went to a meeting, that didn't help either. I skipped training and went to go clean my house and instead watched 6 hours straight of Sex and the City.
I went to Dave and had a good time. I'm concert-ed out until Mumford and Sons. I didn't drink much because I knew that would make all this shit I'm going through even worse. I went to cheer at Muncie 70.3 hoping that would help me get excited about something in my life again. I found myself glad I wasn't racing and kinda wishing I wasn't racing at Steelhead. That's no bueno. I found myself surrounded by tons of people I know, many are really good friends, but I still felt alone. I saw a group of friends last night and felt isolated. Isolation is never a good sign, for me, that means I've gone deep in the throws of my depression and there's no quick fix.
I had breakfast with some friends this morning. I shared how I felt and then apologized for the word vomit. One said, "I've never heard you like this before, I don't mind, I've never seen you anything but happy." I realized that overall I'm pretty happy. I really am, but when I crash, I crash hard. When something attacks me at the core, it cuts deep. Henry, one of our Back on My Feet alum treated me to a car wash. He helped me to clean every inch of my car inside and out. It was nice to get the help, sometimes you give and sometimes you take. It was in that moment I realized how many people take from me. I guess I let them take, so it's my own fault. I got pissed for a brief moment taking inventory of those people who are the takers, but then I quickly remembered all the people in my life who give me encouragement and love. The friends, family and strangers that fill my cup when I need it.
I think that was the kickoff I needed to start digging out of the quick sand. I got my house clean today and got my workout in. I still have the feeling of wanting to isolate, so I know I've still got work to do, but at least my week should start a little better with things around me better organized.
I'm really looking forward to going to visit my parents this upcoming weekend in the mountains of Arizona. Good quality down time for lots of swims and runs. There's not much to do besides relax and enjoy being away, so I'm hoping that will help me gain clarity and focus.
Standing at the finish line at Muncie cheering everyone in brought me to tears so many times. Imagining all the personal battles everyone was overcoming to race. The people who were experiencing their first finish, qualifying for the World Championships in Vegas or even just struggling to get to the finish line. It reminded me why I'm doing this and affirmed that my motives are in order. How much I love the sport.
It made me want to race hard at Steelhead. I want a great race, I need a great race. So now it's time to go get it.
