This is my brain. In a blender

If my life were a tv show, this episode would start with me on my yoga mat tonight, laying on my back after many failed attempts to do a handstand listening to "Sweet" by Dave Matthews. A song that I picked out as my Ironman song back in late November. Tears would be streaming down my face, in my own world reflecting on my journey. Then the episode would flash back in a quick montage back to a few weeks ago when all these thoughts started whirling in my brain, like ingredients in a blender. But it's fucking not. It's real life. So I'll try my best to organize these thoughts.

The past few weeks since Cedar Point have brought some great things. I have found a confidence to do this race that wasn't always there before. I've lost almost 22 pounds science my ass whopping at Ironman Kansas and thus my run, bike and swim have gotten faster. When I'm running I don't recognize the shoes going faster below me. When I'm in the Cycle Studio riding I don't recognize the legs in the mirror. When my arms come out of the water, I can't be sure, but I think I see some muscle definition as I swim. Who the fuck is this person? A person that has a long way to go, but has come a long fucking way.

I tackled my first 100 mile bike. Completed it at my target MPH. I even commented with Aaron and Laura about how incredible it was that I could maintain 16.0 for 100 miles when I struggled to keep 13.5 for 90 minutes just in December. I'm so close to 5 miles per hour on my run (on a good day) that I can practically taste it. (Who came up with that dumb saying anyway? How do you taste a run?)

I went to go get my long-sleeve wetsuit. Which I've been putting off and it bit me in the ass. I arrive and there's hardly anything left. I pick out one that I know won't fit but I try it on to get a feel for what size to order. To much disappointment of many anticipated readers, there really isn't a sausage in a wetsuit part 2 to the story. I was still full of incredible anxiety as I went to try it on. I even texted my friend Andrea to bitch that I was half tempted to say fuck the race because the thought of this wetsuit made me sick to my stomach. But as I got it on, it went up far easier than I ever remembered my other wetsuit experience. I still got sweaty like Ross in that episode of friends, but despite being a size too small, I still got it on. Don't get me wrong, I still was fucking glad to have it off and I still have yet to have the final "fitting" with the suit I order, but not nearly as traumatic as the first go-round. Thinking about swimming 2.4 miles in a long sleeve wetsuit is enough to keep me up at night, but I'll freak out after I have my first swim in it :)

Last week I wrapped up a job I've had for almost 5 years and went on to my new job. A dream job marrying my passion for fundraising, service and an organization that I love. With this transition came a lot of stress and unexpected twists. With the training schedule I'm fucking starving all the time and Thursday night I hit a wall. I couldn't swim another night, so I didn't. But then I ate to fill that starving void and felt guilty the entire night. Friday I made up for it some and I was determined to have a great training weekend.

I was supposed to run a 10K with BoMF, we ran in a re-entry facility with inmates that have been training for this race. It was going to be 22 laps and about lap 3 I had to stop in the bathroom as I wasn't feeling well. Then lap 8 I had to stop again and I puked my guts out. I thought about powering through but decided it wasn't worth it so I stopped at 11 laps for the 5K. Despite getting sick, one of the more rewarding experiences I've had running. Sunday I set out for a 100 mile ride and had great ride support. My stomach was feeling okay through lap 1. Around mile 42, in the middle of lap 2 I felt sick. Even Kim noted my face showed I wasn't feeling well. I stopped to try to settle my stomach and puked again in the corn fields. Meanwhile Kim and Robert are chatting away about Ironman Chattanooga. That's true friendship that friends don't get grossed out while you're yacking up EFS, salt tablets and stinger waffles. It's really fucked up that I was contributing to the conversation between yacking.

I got back on the bike and rode out another 18 miles and we hit 60. I was feeling okay but I couldn't keep any nutrition down. I thought about all the people that said the puked in Kona on Saturday and kept going. So I thought I should keep going and not be a pussy. But we talked it through and decided I should probably call it a day and get some rest and try to keep fluids down. I guess there's some important lessons to learn, I need to talk to Heather about what to do if I puke on the bike. I also need to think about carrying some tums on the bike, just in case. Kim and Robert told me NOT to worry about this as a sign that I can't do this race. They're right, I've done the distance, my increased speed are buying me some buffer time come race day and I've got one more long ride (112 miles) before I taper.

Today for the first time in 3 days I had a workout without puking! Small victories. I think this recent occurrence of puking has been attributed to something I ate late last week.

I can't lie, these past few weeks I still have had some mental battles. What am I going to do with all my free time post Ironman? Who am I without Ironman training? What if I don't finish??? Then I get an email from SWA today reminding me that my trip is "right" around the corner, that means Ironman Arizona is right around the corner. I freak out a bit, my chest gets tight and my heart races. And besides, since when is a month right around the corner? Screw you SWA.

Fast forward back to my mat tonight. It was a great class, small with lots of random moves and music. Hitting the spots I needed to hit. Feeling a little defeated after wanting to do a handstand so bad and not quite getting there, my song comes on. I just lay there realizing I haven't heard it in months and I take the words in. Next thing I know I'm crying. Not bawling, but a steady flow of tears streaming down my face. In those 4 minutes and 12 seconds the entire last year was a montage in my head. All the frustrations, the set backs, the victories, the amazing and incredible support from people in my life and strangers following my story. I can't believe how fucking far I've come.

I can't even remember the last song of the evening. But as I laid there the vision of what I want in the coming months came into focus. I want to improve my conscious contact with God. I grew up going to church and believing in god because that is what I was told. After I was old enough to figure out religion for myself I resented God for what happened to me as a young child. As I've worked a program I've realized that I no longer resent God, but now that I have the realization I'm ready to improve my contact.

I'm looking forward to the off season to continue to drop weight and build muscle. You had better watch out F35-39, next season I'm fucking coming for your podium spots! Holy shit, being in 35-39 next year is another mindfuck, am I really old enough to be in the 35-39 age group??

I'm looking forward to continuing my passions without fear. I realized after tonight I need not have any fear about finishing Ironman Arizona. I've put in the work and have the skills to finish. BUT even if I don't finish, I have no reason to be ashamed. I've tackled more than most people thought I was capable of and more importantly, more than I thought I could ever accomplish.

I can't really say why these lyrics make sense as my Ironman song, but they make sense in my heart, which is all that really matters...34 days to go!

Try to swim, keep your head up

Kick your legs never give up, boy

If I could I'd turn it around

Let me out I wanna get out now

You know the feeling when you're in too deep

And then you make it out the taste so sweet

Sweet

Sweet

I'm too high I wanna come down

And I'm too old to want to be younger now

But if I could I'd turn it around

Let me out I want to get out now 

You know the feeling when you're in too deep

And then you make it out the taste so sweet

Sweet

Sweet

Cover me, cover me, cover me

Till I'm gone

Cover me, cover me, cover me

Till I'm gone

Cover me, cover me, cover me

Till I'm gone

Gone

And if I could I'd turn it around yeah

You know the feeling when you're in too deep

And then you make it out it tastes so sweet