I got a badass scar

On the way back to Indy, I figured life would run at the same speed, only down a wing. Ha, that's fucking funny. I was down like 200 wings. After the Meltdown in Lingerie I got back to work on Tuesday after a trip to my primary care doctor. I was the first patient of the morning and she said "oh hell ya you're going to need surgery" then apologized that her filter didn't work that early in the morning. She gave me the referral to go see OrthoIndy. I texted my friend Dr. Tim and he gave me the number to his scheduler. I called and was on my way to an appointment, she just had to talk to Tim to get me in.

Work was slow. I was pretty much a dead weight. Everything made me tired. A shower that morning should have called for a two hour nap and here I was at work. We had the Marathon Relay that upcoming weekend and I couldn't be home sleeping. Later that night I had a friend come over and do my laundry and make me dinner. This entire accident has me out of my comfort zone asking for help. I really struggle. She told me to sit down and let her cook as I was trying to do some of it. So I surrendered and sat down as she told me. Brian came over later too, they said they were laughing at me as I was passed out with this huge smile on my face. That's what pain meds will do to you!

Wednesday I went to work planning like I was going to be there all week. At 5:30PM that night I listen to a message from the PA for Tim. He asks that I come at 9AM instead of 12 and that I come fasting ready for surgery at 2:30PM, just in case I need it. It would be easier to cancel it than to schedule it. My head jumped and skipped like 50 thoughts. Like surgery, like tomorrow?! WTF, how would everything get done for the relay? Liz is a hard worker, but it's more than one person at this point, I had scheduled myself for Friday to go all over town picking up things. F-U-C-K. I was not prepared for this. I talked to Tim and he explained he wasn't sure I needed surgery, but we'd discuss that tomorrow. He said if I wasn't prepared to have it, that was okay, but he would then need to refer me to someone as he was going out of town for a few weeks.

I immediately thought of my friend Tracy, she has flexibility, I wonder if I can get her to help Liz. Tracy agreed in a heartbeat, what a wonderful help. Having Tracy to help and knowing Liz was on it, I felt 100% comfortable about giving up any last control of the relay and letting it go. Tim assured me I would be able to go make a visit to the relay after.

Within less than 17 hours later I was meeting with Tim. The Xrays had shown that the gap between the two bones was bigger than he felt comfortable leaving to heal on its own. The decision was completely mine, but we talked long and in-depth about surgery. I felt this was the right decision to make. I didn't want to go through 10 weeks of rehab only to find out I needed surgery anyway and have to start all over again. Tim said surgery is 2:30, not sure the location yet. I take my car back to work so it can be used for the relay and Brian takes me to surgery. We get our location as we're about to head out. 

I get prepped for surgery and my first nurse is hysterical! She takes all my nerves away. She makes me tell a story about Tim running with the Veterans team on Friday mornings to his number one fan and crush. She says he's a white Denzel Washington, I can see it too! She needs a urine sample so I walk down the hall with my hand on my hip because that feels most comfortable on my arm, she calls me a diva walking the runway - ha!

I talk to all the people that are going to give me great things like two nerve blocks and anesthesia. I say good bye to Brian and I'm off to get prepped. I tell you, I go under easy because that shit they gave me before the two nerve blocks relaxed me so much even though I knew it hurt like hell with those shots. I get rolled into the OR, remember seeing a crew of like 10 people, including Tim. They get me to move over, I remember telling them all thank you in case I was passed out later and then I awoke in recovery. I was tossing and turning, I sat up a bit and asked the nurse if I could have something to drink because it taste like a cat shit in my mouth.

She got me a drink and transferred me to Amy aka Sass' care. She told Amy that I told her that a cat pooed in my mouth to which I screamed "no, I said it tasted like a cat SHIT in my mouth." I remember singing "roll out" as they rolled me down the hall. I wanted my after care nurse Jeff to sing Regulators with me, he said he didn't know the words so I said "look them up online."

Tim told Brian after that it was broken in 4 places and was a bit more difficult than he expected. It took longer than he had planned. He told Brian the helmet saved my life as I hit harder than people realize. The helmet. So after I posted on FB about my brand new $240 Giro Air Attack helmet being garbage after one wearing, a few awesome things happened. A Female Pro Triathlete said she wanted to send me one of her own helmets and the incredible staff at the Endurance House said they would take care of me when I'm ready to get back at it. What amazing blessings!

Me and my shoulder (maxipad?) the morning after

So fast forward a week and a day later and I'm typing like a champ and about to attempt my first night of sleep without any pain killers. Which is a damn good thing because they are making me depressed! I was so full of piss and vinegar to make a come back. I was full of gratitude (which I still am!) but I'm kinda down and feel like I could crawl under a rock and just fade away. I've been up and down for a few days. I want people to know I'm not super human. I get in shitty moods; in fact people that know me the best know that I can get moody. I face depression, most days I tell it to take a hike. But the past few days I can't seem to shake it. But pity party of 1, get your shit together, pull your shit up by your boot straps and figure it out. Sometimes we need the bad to recognize the good. It can't all be good, if it were, life would honestly get pretty dull.

I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hose right now, tons of personal and work things all coming hurling at me at once. A broken clavicle and surgery was just the icing on the shit cake. But I need to stop and think about all the people that took time out of their day to come help me, bring me food, fold clothes, just check on me. I need to think about Tim who completely rearranged his day and the end of his week to make sure I was given the best care from someone I trust with my life. I need to think about people who are struggling with far more than I am. Chin up is one of my favorite things to say, because it's true. Chip up a little higher makes you feel just a little bit better. So Chin up Chrissy. Do it for all the people who are here to help you, but most importantly, do it for yourself.

Don't let this badass new scar get you down. Let it remind you of the path you're on, there's dips and peaks, smooth roads and shitty roads, but it's a beautiful gift and don't waste a minute feeling sorry for yourself, instead listen to the crowd cheering you on and keep moving one foot in front of another.

*A huge thank you to everyone who has sent me encouragement in every way possible. My friends that have brought me meals, companionship and love, my coach who has talked me through the ups and downs, my best friend Brian who is just the best, my parents who love and support me in every way possible, my medical team including my incredible surgeon Tim, who right now is taking on the Big Foot 120 in Washington and while raising money for Back on My Feet. Read more about him and give a few dollars if you can. GO TIM GO!

The devil went down to Georgia looking for a PR to steal

After a month of not knowing if I was coming or going working 12-17 hours a day, I was finally on my way to Georgia to race Ironman Augusta 70.3. Since my race in Chicago at the end of August, I hadn't been on my bike much more than a few times, had been in the pool twice and the longest run was 11 miles in a prison yard (.29 mile loops) a few weeks prior.

At first I wasn't going to race it, my left shoulder was still giving me some trouble and the lack of training had me apprehensive. But then I decided to just go make it a long training day and enjoy the scenery. After all, I wasn't going to get the $350 registration back and I had already pre-paid the hotel. It was difficult to find someone to take 3 days off work to drive with me so I hit the road solo. My best friend Andrea booked a ticket days before to come join me from Miami and my friend Stephanie came over from Atlanta. All three of us have been through some emotionally draining shit lately, so we booked some massage, pedicures and manicures and made it a girls weekend with a half Ironman on Sunday.

Getting to the expo got me so excited! There's an electricity in the air that just gets you jazzed up. I was actually excited for the race and ready to go all out. During my walk into the expo I met a girl doing her first 70.3 in my age group, I thought back to my first race, it's such a blur yet sometimes seems like yesterday, so I was excited for her. I randomly started talking to a guy next to me in the Athlete's meeting. I then noticed he had an IMAZ14 shirt on, so we started talking about the hell of the wind on the bike. We continued to talk and realized that he was in the group that came out to cheer me on at the finish in 2013. He introduced me to his wife as "this is the girl I told you about" and we took a picture.

I picked up Andrea and we met Stephanie and the three of us laughed all night long. It was good, I hadn't really laughed like that in a very long time. We enjoyed a cheap and good southern breakfast, I did a quick brick workout and we took SassyRoo to transition. We then went for our pedicures and manicures and then met friends from RAINstorm (they blame me for doing their first 70.3) for dinner. Super low key day, it was great to rest up and hang out.

Woke up and it was race day! Stephanie and Andrea got to experience the pre-race ritual which includes getting up very early! I had to get creative with putting on my race tats on the left arm since it was taped up. I got to transition in plenty of time, set my stuff up, caught the shuttle to swim start and the nerves started to kick in. I knew the swim was going to be fast with the current, but I wasn't sure how fast. I knew I could handle the bike after training in Brown County this year and the run was flat and there was a big crowd, so I knew I'd keep running. I ran into Jen who was up from Jacksonville and found Stephanie and Andrea. Next thing I knew I was in line with my age group and ran into my friend Laura from Arizona.

 The swim was fast. It was hot in a long sleeve wetsuit, but my longjohn gives me panic attacks. I was definitely overheated a bit, but it was nice to see the bouys going by so quickly. Out of the water in 37, I was super happy about that. It's a long run to transition, I was having a hard time catching my breath, so I walked most of it.

Eight minutes later I was out on the bike, I saw Andrea and Stephanie again and also saw Richard, Heidi's friend and dad. I was making sure to not go too fast out on the bike, I wanted to have a nice negative split. I looked down at one point and was going 19 and felt like I was barely pushing it. I felt a tap on the shoulder and it was my friend Dave whizzing by. At mile 6 I swore my tire was flat so I got off to check, it was fine, not sure what was making noise, but it took me a few minutes of waiting to find a good spot to merge back into bike traffic.

As I'm making my way up a small climb, I move to the right since I'm a slow climber, people are passing 3 and 4 wide at this point, it's pretty busy and congested. A women looks at my leg as she's passing and says "you're doing this solo? You're my hero." I think whatever, I get that a lot, there's a fat girl doing it all by herself, she's nuts. As I was lifting my head to say thank you that movement causes my front tire to ever so slightly move to the right, when I look back down, it takes my front tire completely off the road and the lip of the pavement is too much for me to safely return to the road. My back tire never leaves the road, my my front tire causes me to flip over the handle bars and I land on my left shoulder and head, then my left hip hits the road. The impact causes my clips to come loose from the pedals and my bike lands to the side of me. For a split second I think I'll get up and ride the rest of the course. But feeling that I don't have much road rash, I knew that something in my shoulder was broken, so I hit the end button on my Garmin. That pained me, I was on my way to a killer PR. When I crashed at about mile 26.7 I was averaging 17.5 That is huge for me. I knew I had a 3 or 3:15 half marathon in me. I was looking at a 7:20 finish, an HOUR PR. This Sun Devil was a sad panda.

There's a guy that turns around to see the crash and he stops. I ask him to not ruin his time helping me and he said he's not going to leave me. He moves SassyRoo to the side of the road and he helps me sit up. I ask him to go and just tell someone that I'm down here. I sat on the side of the road with my back to the traffic and some people are asking if I'm okay. The response the same "please let someone know I'm down here" and then a woman named Carla stops. I ask her not to ruin her time, she says she's going slow today and it's fine. She let me call Brian from my cell phone so he can tell Andrea that I crashed and to meet me in medical. She helps me to my feet and props me up against the guard rail. From there I'm cheering people on as they go by. Until I feel like I'm going to pass out from the pain, then I stop. Luckily not long after that an Ironman employee Graham comes with a Sheriff. They put my bike and stuff in the truck and the Sheriff and I wait for an ambulance. They say it's been a busy day for crashes and there's only one ambulance left on the course. They come and I swear it's two EMT that got their degree from the TV order Sally Struther's school for EMTing. This guy wraps an ace bandage around my neck, not sure what that was supposed to do, I think he was trying to make a sling. They tell me that they'll have to transfer me to another ambulance so they can get back on the course.

The other ambulance comes and transfers me. I ask if I'm going to get charged for two rides, seems like a legit question. The guy in the back with me takes my vitals including my blood sugar. I laugh, that's probably sky high since that's all the nutrition for the day is, sugar. He is very nice and hugs me when we go over bumps to minimize the pain. He's a nice guy, he can do it anytime...ha. We stop and I ask what's going on. His partner says there's a guy who just got pulled over by a cop and he pulled a guy on her. What?! My first ambulance ride and gun shootout, are fucking kidding me?! They give me the play by play since I can't see it. The cop pulls her gun, wrestles the guy to the ground and arrests him. We're back on our way, this went down steps from the bike course, it could have been another Puerto Rico!

Finally TWO hours after my crash, I made it to the hospital, found Andrea and Stephanie shortly and was able to get into some dry clothes. I was able to get my Back on My Feet tank off with help, the sports bra they had to cut off. They took xrays and confirmed it was busted pretty bad, they gave me some pain killers and and I was discharged by 3:30PM. Andrea was nice enough to get my gear from the race site for me after Dani from Ironman got it all together.

Andrea drove me back to Atlanta and Brian flew down so he could drive me home. Sass offered to come down on her day off to drive me back and was nice enough to take Brian to the airport. Allison also offered to drive back with me, as did Stephanie. My mom of course was ready to fly plane herself to get down to her baby as soon as possible! I'm so proud of my mom, she stayed calm. She always said she would never forgive herself if something happened to me on that bike.

End to the girls weekend

The drive back was full of lots of "oh" and "ouch" whimpers as we hit bumps and turns and rumble strips (what the fuck Brian!? love you!) and we made it home.

It would be easy to have a pity party. To cry and be sad. But I am embracing the silver linings:

I am so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family that would do anything to help me! I am overwhelmed with the offers to bring food, come by and entertain me, clean, go to the store, wash my hair, mow my lawn, feed my cats, etc. I'm getting better at asking for help and allowing people to help me. I always get bummed out when someone won't let me help them, so I'm going to let people help me. As Mr. Rogers says, there are people who want to help, just look around. 

I'm also so lucky that I got a new helmet on a whim. I'll save more about my helmet for my next post about my surgery. I'm lucky that this happened going up hill and not down, I would very likely be sausage meat right now, some of the hills I was going faster than 40mph down. I am lucky there were people there to help me. I'm lucky that I didn't take anyone else out in the crash. I'm lucky I didn't do more damage to me or SassyRoo. I'm just lucky and full of gratitude.

Looking back at old posts, my left shoulder has been giving me shit since 2012. I can get it properly fixed and come back like the bionic woman. I suck at training and eating well, so I can slow the fuck down already and work on losing weight. Spend a season getting lean and building muscle. I can figure out what is really important to me and do things of quality and not quantity. I can thank God for the miracles and work on the relationships that matter.

I can use this  to set an example to the members of Back on My Feet that it's how you react to the curve balls, how you make the best of a bad situation that make you resilient. It's how you get up after you fall that matters in life. I'm going to come back stronger, smarter and more grateful than ever!

Congratulations to all my kick-ass friends who had great races in Augusta & Chattanooga that day!

Thank you to everyone for your love, support, comments, cards, calls, texts, meals and visits.

Meltdown in lingerie

I dropped Brian off at his house and drove myself to JC Penney so I could get a front close bra. So I got welcomed to the broken clavicle club by several of my hard core cycle friends. They are all male, I bet they didn't have to worry about putting on a bra by themselves.

I walk into the store and enter the lingerie department. No one to be found, I look a few sections over in each direction, only men. So I realize I'm going to have to go this one solo. I start bawling. Like uncontrollable crying. Tears gushing down my face, chin quivering crying. Which fuck, makes my ribs hurt, which causes me to cry more.

I finally find some front close bras, like the kind your 90 year old grandma wears (no offense!) and they of course are on the bottom shelf of this display. I can't bend over really well as my shoulder throbs and my ribs feel like they're going to poke through my skin. So I lower myself to my knees, put the bra package in my teeth and use the display to pull myself back up to my feet with my good arm. All while crying and praying this entire rack doesn't come down on me.

I look for the dressing room. Who am I kidding, I'm about running on "E" at this point and realize that if I get my shirt off to try this on, it's probably game over for energy and the shirt is not going back on. So I go in the corner and take the sling off and try the bra on over my shirt. Now I'm crying more as I'm in pain, mortified and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure it was quite the scene for anyone walking by.

I then try my hardest to stop crying and wipe the tears from my eyes so I can go check out. While I'm doing this, I think "stop it Chrissy. You have so many people that love and care about you, you could probably even call someone right now to come to the store to help you. Pull your shit together." It makes me think about some of our team members at BoMF. Some of our members only have our running family to help them in times of need. This puts a lot in perspective for me. It makes me more proud that I'm a part of something that helps others in such a profound way that so many of us (including me) take for granted. It also makes me feel even more compassion for what our members and the homeless in general are going through.

I get home and start unpacking my tri bag so the wet stuff can get washed. I see my helmet for the first time. A brand new as of Wednesday night, $240 helmet. One that at the time, I wasn't sure I really needed. But my other race helmet fit a little small and hurt my head and was about 10 years old. I see how scuffed and banged up it is. It hits me like a ton of bricks, although my injuries are pretty insignificant, it could be a lot worse. What would have happened if I didn't buy that helmet? Would I even be here typing or would I be in the ICU in Augusta?

I know things happen for a reason. I may have to pull myself out of a pity party from time to time during this recovery process, but I know that through it all, I am so lucky and blessed.

More to come later about the accident, I did pause my Garmin, you know, that important stuff.

Thanks for the love and support.

TedX Experience! Taxi cab to Ironman - Relating homelessness and running

My life is all about random experiences pulling together for a greater purpose. That's so true for how I got to the start line of an Ironman, landed my job and my recent experience, having the honor to deliver a Ted talk at TedX Lilly this past Thursday.

This year's topic was reinvention: your company, your customers and ourselves; a volunteer that works at Lilly happened to be involved with this year's TedX event and knew enough about my journey so he approached me about telling my story and tying it in the reinvention that occurs at Back on My Feet.

It was an internal event so I said sure. No big deal, not really thinking about the details. I had 180 other things going on between then and now, including three races and our largest fundraising event of the year for more than 350 people. So I didn't give it much thought. As I would find out later, it was a really big deal!

A few weeks out I started to think about what I would say. I found out that my title and slides were due pretty far in advance, so they offered a workshop on how to put together a Ted talk. Hosted by Rob, the recently retired speech writer for the company and three CEOs for more than 20 years, he gave us great tips on how to get the audience's attention, a catchy title and that you had to have a call to action. So I came up with the title "Taxi Cab to Ironman - relating homelessness and running."

The Sunday before my big talk (5 days to be exact) I started to put together my thoughts. I watched about 5 Ted talks online to get inspiration. Nothing. Then I came across Diana Nyad's Ted talk (first woman to swim from Cuba to Florida) and I was in awe and I knew what I was going to do.

Monday morning (4 days!) I put my thoughts to paper and wrote the 10 minute talk. Approximately 5 hours later I went to Lilly to present it for my friend Tim, who gave one last year, my friend Tom who had recommended me and the event organizer Jeff. It was really great to be able to get up and experience the stage and the BRIGHT lights that made me feel like I was melting wax.

I decided to read from my notes at this point, I didn't want to memorize something that was going to change and then chance making a mistake on Thursday. I read it and asked what to cut. They said absolutely nothing. Crap, I'm over 30 seconds. They gave a few suggestions of things to add to clarify terms such as "they took my timing chip." They all agreed it was pretty kick ass and they were laughing and even getting a little choked up.

I do some fine tuning and present it again on Wednesday. This time for Rob and about a dozen other employees on the TedX committee. I'm just about as nervous as when I went to the start line of Ironman Arizona. The man who writes all the speeches for the CEO of one the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world was going to be listening to me and providing feedback. ACK!

I delivered it and asked what to cut or what needed to be clarified. Rob: "nothing, it was perfect. Can't wait for tomorrow!"

What?! Nothing? Was I hearing that right? No way. I went to my car, pulled up "Damn it Feels Good to Be A Gangster" from the movie Office Space on my phone and drove back to work.

Thursday morning arrived! Gah! I was a little nervous, had I memorized everything?

The day was awesome! They hosted a run for the employees so they could get the "feel" of Back on My Feet. Then the day was full of AMAZING speakers and people with incredible ideas. I started to feel completely out of my league. What was I doing here with this group of super stars? What did I have to add? What could I inspire someone to do? Am I really sharing the stage with these speakers?!

At lunch I went to practice. I was missing lines, I couldn't remember what I was supposed to say, I was repeating content. Sweet Jesus, I was totally and utterly screwed. I was about to make a complete idiot of myself, my organization and this opportunity.

The creator of School House Rocks was on stage before me, a little entertainment before I kicked off the "reinventing ourselves" section of the day. I went back stage to get my mic on and read through everything one more time. I couldn't concentrate with his singing, so I plugged my ears and read the content as many times as I could. He was about to wrap up so I was waiting on the side of the stage. Then he decided he wanted to sing another song! The organizers are freaking out, he's already over his time. It was pretty funny. Then he starts another verse, then starts talking about planned parenthood. A train off the tracks. This laughter back stage really relaxed me.

Finally it was my time to take the stage! All I can say is it was an out of body experience. I know that I made a few mistakes, missed a few lines, had failed to plan in time for applause and ended up going over in time by about 2 minutes. But overall it went well. I was completely caught off guard when I received a standing ovation in the middle of the talk; one of three for the entire day!

At the very end my mind went completely blank about my closing thought. I took a long pause as I gathered my thoughts, I racked my brain "Chrissy, come on! THINK! What are you supposed to say now?!!" I found the line in the corner of my mind and finished the talk.

Immediately after I left stage Rob found me and gave me a huge hug. He said I had nailed it and he was so inspired and impressed. Jeff found me and about knocked me over with a hug saying I had hit the ball out of the park. I couldn't walk 10 feet without someone stopping me. I went to go in the lobby to say good bye to a friend who had come and I was approached about speaking at two conferences coming up! I got a text "You had me crying and then immediately laughing" and it was talked about by employees after as I received several more messages from people who had "heard" about how powerful my story and talk was.

The audience was 250 people and more than 4,000 online in 30 countries and there were several "watching" parties at other Lilly offices. There were about a dozen executives from other companies in addition to ones from Lilly. The work that Back on My Feet is doing, especially the powerful outcomes through personal reinvention, was the focus the second half of my talk and I hope it will be what sticks with the audience.

I appreciate all the support! Everyone was so kind to pass along words of encouragement! Thanks to everyone who was able that made it a point to attend the presentation. When I get a link to the recording I will share it.

This experience happened at THE right time in my life. I'm so thankful for this experience and so lucky for the opportunity! Timing is everything and I'll post about how this experience was exactly what I needed another time.

My heart is full

It's been a few days and the sting of Sunday is starting to fade. I cannot fully express my gratitude for all of the love and support that was provided to me after the heartache of having to end my day 15 miles short. I'm blown away and quite frankly speechless (which is rare!) at the outpouring of love, support and comments.

I went to make an edit on Tuesday night, less than 24 hours since I posted my race report and I already had 1,000 visitors to that blog entry. Many of you have said it, and I'm starting to believe it, I probably will never know the reach of my story and what inspiration it may provide to others. As I've said all along, this blog and sharing my story was selfish to help me learn, grow and heal. I'm so blessed that many people from all over the globe have tuned in to watch it unfold and cheer me on.

I have some people I'd like to publicly thank in no specific order:

-God and Alanon - through this I have found a renewed contact with my higher power that has made this journey possible. Without this, I would have never passed my fears and made myself vulnerable to share this journey so openly with strangers and friends alike.

-My parents - Your love and support has been unconditional. From embracing your fears of me falling off my bike to understanding the tri lingo, you both are the reason this has all been possible. Thanks for never telling me "you can't." Although, I appreciate your advice Dad, but I can't do the bike last :)

-Brian - You're the closest thing I'll probably ever have to a spouse. You have taken the brunt of my bitchiness, my stress and complaints. You get all of the bad and I only hope that you get some good along with it. Thank you for always believing in me and foregoing a tropical vacation for the last two years so I can chase my dream. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes the greatest gifts and rewards don't come on the 1st, 2nd or 5th try.

-Back on My Feet - my staff and friends Brian and Liz are so supportive of my racing and training and they along with all of our wonderful volunteers, Resident Members (even in other cities) continually serve as my motivation to keep going, regardless of what I'm facing.

-Ironman Staff - Dave & Melinda, BMayes, the GodFather, Tom, Mike - you have ALL made this journey so incredible and one for the story books. I cannot thank you enough for all your love, support, shout outs, smiles, encouragement and just pure awesomeness. I look forward to seeing you at each race. Please know that I will never quit giving it my all and I WILL be racing in 2015. and 16. and 17. You get the idea :-)

-Robert & Ang - you have lifted me up in so much support that I am overwhelmed with your kindness. Thank you so much for always encouraging me and for raising two wonderful daughters. Sarg, thanks for always kicking my ass with a smile and hearty chuckle!

-Andrea, Jessica, Kerry, Danny, Klayton, Nicole, John, Mark, Francis, Ryan, Catherine, Brenda, Tina, Bud & Jill, Robin, Deb, Elysha, Monika and everyone on the course that was out volunteering and cheering. Thank you so much for being out there. Thank you to all my friends that were there in spirit that wanted to be there! Thanks to Marti and Andrea for setting intentions for me in your classes!

-Shea and all the coaches at the Cycle Studio (Kyla, Josh, Julian, Ryan and David) - Last year's Chrissy would have never made the bike cutoff in this year's conditions. Thank you for your coaching and support. Shea thanks for making sure my mind and body got to the start line ready to rally!

-Chris & Matt Tanner - RecoverFast is awesome and that hyperbaric chamber has made the difference in my breathing (and sleep at night!) and my friend even commented on the run Sunday I sounded like a different person.

-Dr. Matt and Apex Therapy (Damon and Jenni) - you all keep me continually able to keep going physically!

-FitLivin' - a great group of local athletes that are here to support each other in their goals, no matter how big or small.

-My family, friends, and AKPsi brothers - I cringe at doing a public call out, because it never fails, you always miss someone, even when you do not mean to. So please know that everyone that has ever said anything to me, read a blog post or supported my fundraising campaign has a stake in my journey. It all matters. It all lifts me up. It all encourages me to keep going.

Through this journey, that isn't even close to being done, I've pushed myself far more than I ever dreamed possible. I've had some huge wins and some disappointing misses, but I'm still here, stronger than ever moving forward. Together we have raised more than $20,000 for Back on My Feet to help change the lives of others - thank you!

What's next?
The next few months will include serious focus on my diet and nutrition. I'm so excited to get back to CrossFit next week and work on strength. 2015 will bring several 70.3 races and RAINStorm. I'll go volunteer at #IMAZ to cheer friends on and register so I can toe that line again in 2016.

“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”
― Theodore Roosevelt

Crushed... but it's what I do with it now

The stage was set for crushing my Ironman PR. Instead the day crushed me. But I will not let it define me. I will not let it destroy my spirit. I will be back on the 140.6 course and I will officially finish. 

I went into this race with a solid plan. Reasonable times that were completely achievable. 2:45 per 100 m swim, 16 mph on the bike, 15 minute miles on the run. That with my usually pretty quick transitions would have landed me a sub 16 hour finish. Depending on how the day was going, 17 mph on the bike and 14 mm on the run was not unreasonable. I had put in the training, I was consistent in putting up the times to do this.

Arriving at the race I knew this race was 100% mental at this point. I was in good spirits, positive reinforcement. I checked in Thursday and ran into all my Ironman friends: David & Melinda, Glenn, Bryan and Tom. Great to see everyone and I found out I was going to be mentioned at the athlete's opening ceremony where Mike Reilly mentioned my quest to take care of business this year. Which then lead to filming an interview for the closing banquet video. They also filmed me before the swim start (putting on my wetsuit no less!). All very exciting and I am honored, but I refused to let it break my focus of the finish.

I took it easy Friday. Saturday I did a quick swim, bike, run. All felt good, really good. I wasn't nervous, it wasn't my first rodeo, I felt good. 

I ran into everyone and was able to get pre-race hugs from the Ironman crew. Sarg, Angela and Brian helped me get ready for the swim. I headed out to the water and had to wait in a slow moving line to get in. The water level was too low for us to jump off the dock, so we had to jump off the exit stairs, making it a 300 meter swim to the floating, mass start. I was a little nervous I wasn't going to get to my spot in time for the cannon to go off, but luckily I did. The cannon went off and the washing machine, aka mass start was off! I forgot it took a few hundred yards for things to thin out, until then you're dodging people and there's a lot of starting and stopping. I made it through the turnaround and to orange bouy 1 in 50 minutes. The 2nd half was a little slower, I was losing some steam and having trouble getting refocused. So I played head games. I would look at my watch and give myself 5 minutes through a bouy and a half, or 7 minutes to get to the bridge. Around orange buoy 6 there were waves. The kayaker said it was boats, I looked up. Bullshit, it was wind. Fuck, that meant the bike was going to be fun. The last 150 yards after the 3rd turn headed back to shore seemed to take forever. But I made it out exactly on target with my goal, although I found out later my Garmin said I went 2.7 miles. 

 
In T1 I was greeted by Elysha and she helped me get ready for the bike. It was much different going into the change tent when it was packed. I PR'd my swim by 12 minutes, so it was a different scene than last year!

I went to call for my bike and who's there to hand it off to me but Glenn! Sarg said he saw Glenn who had been given the word that I had made my way so he was waiting. Made my day!

As I headed out I went to turn on my Cateye and it slipped out of the holder and bounced on the ground. It had been working half the time anyway so I just left it. I made my way out to the Bee Line trying to catch my legs and my breath. The head wind going north was bad. And it got worse as I got to the Bee Line. It just sucked. But at the top I saw my family and Klayton and it was a nice reward for climbing against the worst winds in 11 years on race day (I've heard anywhere from 20-30 mile per hour head winds). The tail wind going down was a nice reward too. As I pedaled down (until I ran out of gear) I saw how miserable everyone was climbing.

 
I came down the Bee Line and saw Robin. I came into town and the crowd just re-energizes you! I saw Francis, Andrea, Kerry, Danny, Nicole, John and Mark. I had made it back into town to start loop two within my goal time of 2 hours and 10 minutes (hoping that I could hit 16.5 mph at least). I headed out for loop two and the wind had gotten stronger. Half way out I stopped to pee and stretch my legs. Then I tried my best to pound out the rest of the climb. There were times I just had to stare at the pavement under my wheel to keep my focus. On the way down my vision got blurry. Not sure what that was about. I was 100% on top of my nutrition and handling it well.

After the 2nd climb I was really dreading going back up the Bee Line again. and from the look of the faces around me, I wasn't alone. At this point I'm realizing that once again the race is going to come down to the run. So I tried to just finish the bike so I could have some legs left for the run. I had worked hard on the run this year, I knew I could chase it down, so I prayed to God and finished up the bike.

 

Coming off the bike I wanted to leave it behind me. I know that last year's Chrissy would have never made the cutoff. I was pissed that I wasn't able to really show how much my bike had improved, but who can control the weather. I surprised myself by not getting as frustrated as I could have in the past. It was the longest I have ridden in that strong of head winds and cross winds. It just sucked. As I was coming back down the Bee Line my vision was weird again and I was shocked to see how many people were still coming up the road behind me, at least 300 people, maybe more. (last year there was only about 50.) My time was slower than last year, but it was a fucking hard bike. Have I said that enough :) I saw Jessica, Brenda, Tina and Catherine as I came back in.

Going into the run my legs felt great. Sarg reminded me to shake it off. I shouted back across transition "I know I fucked the bike, it's in the past." I then apologized to the volunteer helping me and she just laughed and said it wasn't the worst she had heard.

I used base salts for the run and they worked great, no cramping. I also was drinking as my plan called for. I had a hard time stomaching gels and I just felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. But nothing. So I kept going. I realized I hadn't tightened my shoes, so as I did the shoelace broke. Mother Fucker. Oh well keep going. I did a decent amount of running, my Garmin showed my pace was okay and getting faster, my splits online tell different. So I need to figure that out, same thing happened at the Monumental.

I came back under the bridge and saw a lot of familiar faces. I saw Ryan as I crossed Priest. I came across the infamous mile marker 19 where my chip was taken last year. As I made it around to mile 9 and 10 I felt like a toy winding down. Sorry to be disgusting but I was starting to feel toxic. I had to crap yet I couldn't. It was making me feel awful. I was not moving well and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open and my mouth closed. Sarg met me and he told me I needed to pick up the pace. I went down the hill into an aid station and got tunnel vision. I couldn't focus my vision, I couldn't really hear what people were saying. I was covered in salt, not just a dusting, but crystals had formed all over my skin. I had the cold sweats, although I wasn't sweating. My hands were numb and I couldn't feel my water bottle in my hand. I got back to the aid station and asked for the medic. I stumbled on the ground and they said my hands were freezing. The wrapped them in a tshirt and trash bag as that was all they had. I started nodding off and they made me keep my head up and my eyes open. When the medic got there I had sipped a bit of water and could at least talk a little bit again. I told the medic that I hadn't peed since about mile 70 on the bike. He asked if I was taking in water and I told him the best I could. He said it was my decision but it wasn't sounding good. At this point I had been sitting waiting for about 15 minutes and the 9 pm cutoff was getting closer. It took 3 people to help me up, so I decided it wasn't worth the risk so I got in the golf cart. Jessica came riding by on her bike and I pointed at her and said I knew her, but I couldn't process who she was. She started hugging me and I immediately started crying. I felt this rush of embarrassment that I had let everyone down. Everyone that traveled to cheer me on. Everyone that was supporting me from every facet of my life. All Ironman crew that were so excited to greet me at the finish. I was so sad myself, I knew I had put the work in, the day just didn't come together like I had hoped.

I went to the medic tent and I swear it takes a fucking act of congress to get an IV in there. I had to sip chicken broth for an hour before I could finally pee and leave. The poor guy next to me kept asking for an IV and they made him lay on the ground with his legs up on a chair, wrapped in a moving blanket before they would consider it. As my friends and family came in to check on me, I started crying all over again. As I looked around at all the finisher hats and medals around me I cried. As I heard rally of the finish line just 100 feet away from me I cried. FUCK. I was here again. I thought if I could finish it last year, I could surely finish this year, and faster. I've heard over and over that's Ironman, just getting to the start line healthy is always a feat in itself.

I cannot thank everyone for their love and support. It's overwhelming and I haven't even begun to go through all the Facebook messages, posts and comments. I'll get through them all, I promise. It's so important to me and I appreciate it more than I can express.

What's next? I have a plan. I have some thoughts. I'll save that for another post. Just know that I AM NOT GIVING UP. Some would say you've failed twice, time to move on. But I know that it's in me, I know I need to evaluate and approach from another angle. There's more to write, my journey is still unfolding; it's unique and it's mine. It's been ugly and joyous, and I've shared it all with you, thanks for following along. It will continue to keep getting better. That much I know.

The F word for Sunday

Sunday's journey centers around one F word. No, not what you're thinking...

F - O - C - U - S

I've put in the training. I'm feeling good physically and mentally. Now the challenge is to stay there until I've crossed that line and heard those sweet words "You are an Ironman."

The last few weeks have taught me it's all mental at this point. I need to put my head in the right place and stay focused. 

And the other saying for the day is I want to have a "Fuck Yes" race! (Thanks Rich for that!) I want to get to the finish line and be able to know that I've given it my all, no regrets.

My favorite saying on the wall at the Cycle Studio:

What are you afraid of?

Passing out?

(You'll live)

Not being able to breathe?

(That will eventually go away)

Not being strong enough to finish?

(You'll find the strength to follow through)

The competition?

(It only makes you work harder)

Give it everything you've got, 

because you should have nothing left in you 

when you cross the finish line.

Be fearless... From Start to Finish

I've unmasked my fears, stopped worrying about what ANYONE else thinks about my journey and am ready to face Sunday. With everything it has to give me, I'm ready. I'm ready to be fearless. I'm ready to give it everything I've got. I'm ready to embrace the suck. I'm ready to be victorious. 

Thanks for all the love and support. You can track online at Ironman.com, click on live results, select Arizona. Bib #1301