30,000 feet; makes me wanna puke

This past Saturday marked 3 months out from Ironman Arizona. I started the day with a mile open water swim then headed out for a 62 mile bike ride. I popped a spoke on my back wheel of my ZIPP around mile 16 and my ride was over. I was so bummed fucking pissed.

Trying to look to the silver lining I thought it was better to happen in a training ride and not the big race. Sunday I went out for another go. At mile 20 with my gears feeling really slow, I stopped to spin my back wheel. It didn't even make it all the way around. Jesus Christ. I centered my wheel and it was like night and day.

Here I am 3 months out and still making stupid, rookie mistakes. I know better than to not check my wheels after putting it back on the bike. The rest of my 70 mile ride was MUCH better, amazing what proper working equipment will do.

70 is my longest ride to date. I went home and fell asleep after lunch. Woke up and felt like I got run over by a truck. I FREAKED out, how in the hell was I going to go another 42 miles then run a marathon? The view of the Ironman from 30,000 feet makes me want to puke. Not nearly as bad as a year ago, but it still freaks me out.

After calming myself down I thought back to just a few months ago. A 50 mile ride was a huge deal. I had prepare the night before, pack my stuff and go to bed early; just like a long ride. Now it's no big deal. 50 miles is just a medium ride, I don't even think about it before I roll out. I don't have to hype myself up for it. I'm trying to remind myself it will all come together. I have a great coach, nutritionist and plenty of friends to guide me. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

A friend shared this bit with me:
"that's called an epiphany, not a freak out. A freakout does not provide opportunity to grow, an epiphany does"

I was in New Orleans a few weeks ago for a board meeting and convention. People I haven't seen in two years were telling me they read every blog I post and I inspire them. One of my friends that avoids social media has my blog on her bookmark bar. I'm getting much better at accepting those compliments and saying thank you. I've never been good at that, usually I feel the need to reply with a compliment back. One of the guys on our Back on My Feet has been helping me with that. Just another example of how I get out just as much as I give by being involved.

One of my friends and I went to Tarot card reader in a voodoo shop. It was just for fun. You know those cards can be applied to anything going on your life. Basically said I needed to let go of a resentment where I felt betrayed and then I could experience full happiness in all aspects of my life. She also said I was playing a role in a bigger picture now and hadn't fully embraced it.

As silly as the experience was, it's really caused me to stop and reflect. Training for an Ironman is so much more than the physical. It's more about the mental. Sharpening my mental focus and pushing myself beyond whatever I thought possible. In the past two weeks of reflection I've started to let go of this resentment I've been carrying for far too long. It's freeing, but a little scary. In a weird way the resentment has protected me from being vulnerable. Being vulnerable sucks, I hate it. But I often forget that being vulnerable can sometimes open me to amazingly beautiful experiences.

I spent this past weekend with lots of different friends; some of which have come with my new tri way of life. I really loved it. People who love me for who I am. I don't have to dumb myself down or talk myself up. People who have seen me at my best and my worst and it doesn't change their opinions of me, one would even argue it makes them love me more. Friends who inspire me more than I could ever express. Just another gift of my journey on the road to Ironman.

In my career I've been blessed that I can be both strategic and operational. Help develop the high-level big picture and then break it into operational tasks to achieve that strategy. So it's a bit out of my comfort zone to be struggling with the overall picture of Ironman right now. But I need to trust in my training and wait for the big picture to come together November 17.

PR in Benton Harbor

Steelhead 70.3 was the 2nd major race on the road to Ironman. I had some nerves going into this race, mainly because I knew I needed a good race coming off Kansas heading into Arizona. I guess I needed it mentally to know that the Arizona finish was still a possible reality. Because after Kansas, I had my doubts. The past three weeks in training have been a struggle, I've been getting the time in, not really able to find the inner drive to push myself. Luckily last weekend I awoke from the fog with a renewed motivation.

After Saturday's practice swim, bike and run my nerves disappeared. The swim felt good, we were swimming the direction they suggested for race day, even though against the current, but Steelhead is known for a fast swim since they swim the swimmers with the current. The bike felt incredible, Sassyroo felt like she was one with the road. My run was pretty strong as well; easily within my 13 minute training runs.

I was ready. It was all mental at this point. Get my head in the game. I know a ton of people racing. I knew that on the bike I needed to keep my head forward and not keep an eye out for anyone I knew. I was going to follow my nutrition perfectly. I needed to also keep the same strategy for the run. And push myself past comfortable, it's okay for it to hurt.

                                      Back on My Feet - Kelly, Brian and I before the swim

Race morning they had us swim South to North. You have to walk a mile on the beach to get to the swim start. It's an awful pre-race activity if you ask me. As we're walking to the start it's hard not to notice that the current is flowing North to South, not South to North. Um, aren't we going to be swimming into the current? I figure they know something we don't so I didn't worry.

True to form I'm one of the few without their wetsuit on, water temp was 67. The waves are pretty rough swimming out to the first buoy, so most people are wading out instead of swimming. I got to the first buoy and started off. For the first time in a race I was right there with my  cap color. I didn't see the next color come through until buoy three, so I was cruising right along. I was swimming the most consistent, strong swim I have in a race, ever. I was at 17 minutes at 1000 meters, at this rate it's going to be one hell of a PR on the swim. It's definitely wavy, but I'm going with the flow. I see a lot of people breast stroking and back stroking. A few people hanging on to kayaks and buoys. Right around the orange buoys (half way heading back) the swim starts getting rough and my time is slowing down. I'm trying not to get upset, but I keep thinking "fuck, I thought this was a fast swim?? What am I doing wrong?" I must have kicked a woman backstroking as she screams "what the fuck" I don't even apologize. It's an open water swim, it's going to happen. I got kicked, clawed and someones beard swam by and gave me some rash on my shoulder, it happens. I only paused 3 times to pull up my shorts (if you know how to put in a drawstring, let me know).

Running up the beach was terrible. I was thinking I love the beach but hate sand. Brian tapped my shoulder as he ran by and I made my way to my bike.

Transition is SUPER long and NARROW. It's a giant clusterfuck and I probably wouldn't do that race again for that reason. I tried my best to clean all the sand off my feet, but I failed as the sand rubbing in my cycle shoes would later rub the pads of my feet raw.

The beginning of the bike I was conservative to catch my breath. The first big climb is a false flat out on the highway. I was in quite a bit of traffic for the first time. The entire bike I was with tons of people. I could see a rainbow of jerseys ahead of me and knew there was a sea of people behind me. Going up a hill I was coming up behind a guy, I burned some energy and passed him as I was within drafting distance. As I passed him someone passed me and yelled to the guy "Pick up the pace dude, you just got checked by a chick" it made me laugh and gave me some motivation to dig deeper.

Nothing major to report in the bike. I kept a steady pace, picked up the pace after mile 25. The ride back in on the high way is smooth and fast. A few climbs, but the wind is at your back. It dawned on me that I really didn't know how to handle passing and avoiding drafting. I've never stayed with the pack before. Thanks to all my friends who have taught me proper bike gearing on rolling hills. I had a fun time gaining speed in the downhill passing everyone coasting and having great power and momentum going up the hills. It was awesome to be doing the passing and not being passed. I rolled through a small crowd and passed a pack of guys, some little kid screamed "girls rule." I thought "so this is what racing feels like." The last 5 miles I slowed down a bit, but still finished strong.

As I was running my bike into transition (um I'm pretty sure I've never run my bike through transition) this guy stopped without notice in front of me. My front tire hit his leg and he yelled at me. The stop of momentum caused my bike to fly on its side and a piece flew off. I picked up the piece and my bike and ran in front of him. I tried to clean my feet off more and took off on the run. The first half mile felt good, I was running a good pace. Then a cramp in my aductor kicked in and I walked to stretch it out. I knew that stopping to stretch would make something else cramp up. Best to take some more salt and just walk it off. A pack of three, that I recognized from the bike jogged by and said how strong and amazing I looked on the bike when I passed them, which was nice.

I was following my nutrition as written and my stomach was NOT happy. I couldn't find a groove to run at all, the pads of my feet were on fire, so I was trying my best to keep moving forward. Finally about mile 4 I realized that when I train with cola it goes flat in my water bottle. The cola on the course is fresh out of the bottle and full of fizz. Once I realized this I stopped the cola and took in perform instead. It took about 2 miles to work itself out, then I was able to start running. I ran, well jogged, almost the entire last 6 miles. Unfortunately I just couldn't get a faster pace going. I guess to look at the positive, I wasn't shuffling, I was picking my feet up, just slowly. LOL The second loop of the run was desolate. Oh yes, this is the race I know. I just kept chugging along, keeping a guy with a yellow shirt in view for most of the rest of the race. I couldn't take anymore sweet liquid so I lived off water and salt. Oh and every aid station, I asked the volunteer to dump ice down my back. It worked well to keep me cool as it was getting hot.

I had accidentally hit pause instead of lap on my watch so it stopped, I didn't realize it until about mile 5 on the bike. So I really had no clue what my time was, just a best estimate. So I had no clue if I was within time or not. I keep thinking every Ironman truck rolling by was going to have a guy pop out to take my timing chip.

I was really disappointed with the fail on the run. The rest of the race had been pretty well executed. Then it hit me. Triathlon is kind of like the golf saying "drive for show, putt for dough" as the bike is where you can show off, but the run will make or break you. Same with golf, show off with your crazy drives, but if you can't putt and play the shots 100 yards out, you're never going to have great scores.

I started playing the what ifs for my race in Arizona and decided to just shut my head off and finish. I came into the finisher's chute and saw Jereme, then Brian, Kelly, Ryan, Ana, Polly and Amanda. It was so nice to have a group waiting for me and made me smile. I saw Jaime at the end as I got my finisher's medal and hat. It was a good day. I PR'd by 41 minutes over my Cedar Point time and I finished with a smile (not that you really can compare one course to another).

I wasn't feeling good about the race because of my run. I talked to my coach and he said he was pleased. I said you're the expert in this, if you're pleased, I will be too.

T Minus 4 Months - The Complete Meltdown

It's a black fly, in your chardonnay; isn't it ironic? Yes, it is quite ironic that my last post was how I was in love with training, life is grand. Just a few weeks later I've had a complete meltdown and have to fucking ride my bike on my trainer in my house just so I don't get any ideas about forgetting to stop at a stop sign during a ride in the cornfields.

Coming off two pretty damn solid 15 hour training weeks and this week I struggled to get in 10.5. This meltdown is not triggered by my training. It's triggered by shit outside training weighing me down, like being stuck in quick sand, until I eventually I've sunk.

I'm facing some conflicts at work with my personal values. I only share this because I laid it all out for my boss on Wednesday. I'm struggling to find solutions and asked for help. I've tried hard, but it's spilled into every nook and cranny of my life and I haven't felt this depressed since probably my first year in college. Unlike college, I've not cried or felt hurt, I've just been numb to everything around me.

Everything around me is a fucking mess. My lawn is a disaster. My house is a wreck. I've been living out of laundry baskets of clean clothes in my dining room for the last week. I've been sleeping where ever I seem to fall asleep after playing hours of candy crush (thank god people for all the lives you've sent me!). In the past two weeks I've been in two conversations about candy crush, for like an hour each. How does a game invade our lives so much? It's really crack.

Oops, tangent.

I tried lots of things this week and nothing snapped me out of this fuckity fuck fuck funk. Things would help temporarily but eventually I was back in funkville. I should pick up the phone and call someone but I don't have anything to talk about. I went to a meeting, that didn't help either. I skipped training and went to go clean my house and instead watched 6 hours straight of Sex and the City.

I went to Dave and had a good time. I'm concert-ed out until Mumford and Sons. I didn't drink much because I knew that would make all this shit I'm going through even worse. I went to cheer at Muncie 70.3 hoping that would help me get excited about something in my life again. I found myself glad I wasn't racing and kinda wishing I wasn't racing at Steelhead. That's no bueno. I found myself surrounded by tons of people I know, many are really good friends, but I still felt alone. I saw a group of friends last night and felt isolated. Isolation is never a good sign, for me, that means I've gone deep in the throws of my depression and there's no quick fix.

I had breakfast with some friends this morning. I shared how I felt and then apologized for the word vomit. One said, "I've never heard you like this before, I don't mind, I've never seen you anything but happy." I realized that overall I'm pretty happy. I really am, but when I crash, I crash hard. When something attacks me at the core, it cuts deep. Henry, one of our Back on My Feet alum treated me to a car wash. He helped me to clean every inch of my car inside and out. It was nice to get the help, sometimes you give and sometimes you take. It was in that moment I realized how many people take from me. I guess I let them take, so it's my own fault. I got pissed for a brief moment taking inventory of those people who are the takers, but then I quickly remembered all the people in my life who give me encouragement and love. The friends, family and strangers that fill my cup when I need it.

I think that was the kickoff I needed to start digging out of the quick sand. I got my house clean today and got my workout in. I still have the feeling of wanting to isolate, so I know I've still got work to do, but at least my week should start a little better with things around me better organized.

I'm really looking forward to going to visit my parents this upcoming weekend in the mountains of Arizona. Good quality down time for lots of swims and runs. There's not much to do besides relax and enjoy being away, so I'm hoping that will help me gain clarity and focus.

Standing at the finish line at Muncie cheering everyone in brought me to tears so many times. Imagining all the personal battles everyone was overcoming to race. The people who were experiencing their first finish, qualifying for the World Championships in Vegas or even just struggling to get to the finish line. It reminded me why I'm doing this and affirmed that my motives are in order. How much I love the sport.

It made me want to race hard at Steelhead. I want a great race, I need a great race. So now it's time to go get it.

I'm falling in love

Something has clicked. I don't know what, how or why but it has. I'm falling in love with training for Ironman.  Much like a new relationship, it's taking all my time as my money! But unlike any relationship I've ever been in, I'm feeling good about myself without any doubts.  I don't have to have fear that Ironman will cheat on me like most other guys have. I don't have to share it, it's all mine.

New before you all think I've given up on finding guy to date, hush. I knew this year that work would come first and then Ironman training, leaving little time for dating. While I know that past relationships have been nothing but fucking disasters and good stories for lots of laughs at social gatherings, I have hope that if I'm living the life I love, then love will find me when it's right.

Fucking tangent, so back to training. I used to hate training. I would argue with the committee in my head trying to reason my way out of a workout.  Now I look forward to them, whatever challenge may come along with that workout. I'm loving the inner strength I'm finding. I'm in awe that my desire to push harder, faster and stronger is finally starting to drown out my head to telling me to slow down, stop or quit.

I realized last night my back no longer feels stiff and sore when I swim because my core is getting stronger. I've found muscles I didn't know existed and I'm just about into those five pairs of pants I bought on sale two years ago because I was only 10 pounds away and never managed to get there.

Now, Ironman Arizona is still a little less than five months away. I know I'll be back here to blog those days when I fucking hate training and wonder what I was on when I decided to take one on. But for today I'm loving it and I'm full of passion and gratitude even in the thick of a 15 hour training week.

Why do I tri?

Tri. Short for Triathlon.

tri·ath·lon  

/trīˈaTHlən/

Noun An athletic contest consisting of three different events, typically swimming, cycling, and long-distance running. Why do I tri? That's a question I'm not sure I know the answer to. Up until now, I really dislike swimming. I suck at running therefore I really have to push myself to run. My bike is improving but I can't really say I love it. (There a half dozen things I'd rather be doing before I bike.) However overall it's something that pushes me to TRY. Why do I try? That's an easier question. I try because I never know how far I can push myself unless I try. If you would have told me in 2009 that I would complete a half marathon I would have laughed in your face. Probably while smoking a cigarette and slamming jagerbomb. But I gave it a TRY and completed it. 12 half marathons later I'm here training for an Ironman. By taking the time to try a tri I have been able to find myself. Before, I'm not sure I ever really knew who I was. I'm a person that isn't afraid to fail. I'm not scared off just because people tell me I can't do it. I'm not afraid to show you my soul, even if it has some dark spots. I'm a person that is not afraid to finish dead last. I'm not afraid to keep going even after they take my timing chip. I've learned humility, what an amazing lesson to learn through an experience that pushes me past any comfort zones I thought I knew. All while wearing a tri suit which is about the most embarrassing thing next to parading around naked. Tonight while at an OWS with my JCL teammates and other great triathletes from various teams, I fell in love with swimming. Tonight was my first swim back with the group this season. Tonight I was no longer the last person. Tonight I was no longer the swimmer that needed the kayak to follow me. For the first time tonight I felt like I could have swam forever. Tonight I completed an oly distance (1500 m) in 33 minutes, last season it took me 50 minutes. Then it hit me. Why do I tri? I tri because I've met a tremendous community of supporters that encourage a healthy lifestyle and comrade. I tri because I'm sticking with it, giving it my all and seeing some incredible improvements. I continue to tri because I can't wait to see what's next. And to show up the nay sayers.

Kansas Kicked My Ass - A Blessing in Disguise

climb. climb. wind. wind and climb. Repeat. christ does this ever fucking end?

"The last straight away into the park is supposed to be a tail wind, but it's now turned to a head wind" - volunteer bike aid 3

So Kansas. You think it's flat. It's not. It has some nice big rollers. Big rollers that are not fat girl friendly. I kept thinking that through my head the entire bike. Oh wait. let me back up.

I didn't feel nervous about the race at all. I was exciting, the bike course looked like it would be fun. The weather race day looked favorable, some winds, but not nearly as bad as they have been in the past. My goal for the day was to finish. We left the hotel at 4:15 and got set up in transition. The time before the swim always makes me the most anxious, you're waiting to start, nervous energy, this was no exception.

The swim

The water was a nice temperature, I skipped the wetsuit since my swim is worse with it. I'm glad I did because the water was just fine. It was a wave start about 25 meters from shore. Our wave took off and I was going nice and steady. Exhaling all my water. It was pretty rough water leaving the shore. I looked up to sight the buoy marked #2, noticed my wave was gone, no big deal, I'm used to being at the back of the pack. Then I see a paddleboarder, she tells me I'm not supposed to be inside the yellow buoy. Fuck! I had been sighting to the return buoy on the other side. Well hell, the one thing I usually do decently is swim straight and sight well. Oh well, probably about 150-200 meters out of my way, but I wasn't going to freak out, I rejoined a few from my wave. I kept swimming, knocking one buoy out at a time. Finally hit a red - TURN! then another! Headed back to shore. Right around the last turn I got kicked in the head for the first time. My initial reaction was to want to punch him, but it's all a part of the OWS (open water swim). The entire time of the swim I was relaxed. I KNEW I would exit the swim in time. I improved some from my Cedar Point time last year, I'm happy.

The pavement hurt my feet like hell going into T1. I need to toughen up. I don't even remember how many rocks I stepped on. Took off onto the bike.

Five hours of Hell - err the bike

So coming out of transition you have a hill to climb. My heart rate was already high coming out of the swim. I get on Sassy and we climb. and climb. There's tons of spectators, makes me more nervous with the climb. Get. to. the. top. Whew, now I can cruise out toward the park exit. Decent speeds coming out, remembering to pace myself since I always go out too fast. I knew this course was going to be a challenge for me. First two larger rollers were fine, came across the damn and hit the next climb. That one was a tough fucker. Go to the Kansas Ironman page, look at the faces of the pros climbing.

Finally out on flats, in a pretty good pack. Then more climbing. I felt like all I did was climb. All I did was see 10mph on my cateye. I know there's a downside to every hill, but I guess it wasn't enough reward for all that climbing. To be fair there were a few hills that going down I hit 35mph, that was fun, then it was followed by a coast up and a tough climb to the crest. I see the pros going to finish the last 10 miles. I climb into aid 1 and stop for a few seconds to fill my bottles. Normally I would just grab a bottle as I went buy but I didn't feel stable coming out of climb. Then going into the first turn I see Brian and Chrisann, cheering for them both. Now back to more climbing. And more fucking wind. And sometimes both at the same time.

In the middle of a hill I start to beginning wheezing and my adductors are cramping bad. The cramp starts just near my knee and is up into my groin. Fuck. I really need to stretch. So I turn onto the last road off the hill about .5 miles before the peak of the hill. I am concentrating on my cramp and can't clip out in time and I'm in gravel. I'm starting to go over to the left and don't think and try to tilt back to the right and end up kinda flipping over the left side of my bike. Crashed onto my left shoulder (I fell correct again! ha) and the crank cut my inner right ankle in 5 places. I have three scratches that will later turn into bruises on my right inner knee and the back of my left thigh is bruised. Of course at the time I don't feel anything. I hit so hard I thought I cracked my frame. But didn't see anything so got back on the bike and actually zipped up the rest of the hill.

It was a long bike. 56 miles on a good day should take me about 3:30-3:40. I figured this course would take me 4:15 tops. Nope. 4:55. bitches. Oh well. Long training day, right?

Life at the back of the pack. I'm used to it. What do you see? Not many people. If there's an out and back you'll see a few people behind you and are jealous of the few people that are ahead of you. You get to aid stations and the Ironman perform is warm, which that shit is NAST-AY when it's cold, let alone warm. The water is warm. The bananas are disgustingly brown. Oh, and the penalty box is gone. They don't give penalties to slow people I guess.

At four hours in I'm done. I'm so fucking over this course. I've yet to pee since the swim, so even though I've had 5 bottles of water and 2 perform I'm still dehydrated. WTF, mental note review this with Heather. I see a hill coming and try to cry out of frustration but there's no tears.

At this point my small ring, granny gears and I are great friends. Now Sassy's not really shifting right. I shift a small gear and it takes 7 pedal strokes for the chain to move. That's not right. Then I drop my chain. FuckingA. I get off to put it back on, spin the back wheel with the crank and there's way too much resistance. Why is it so hard. Something up. At this point my thought is oh god, I would love for my bike to break so I can be forced to not be able to finish and not feel bad. SAG happens to be behind me. He gets things adjusted but has to take my back wheel off and make some adjusted. WTF. Has my wheel been giving me extra resistance all this time? For like the last 30 miles? whatever, no excuses.

I go through the final aid station and the volunteer informs me that the tailwind has turned into a headwind. Of fuckingcourse it has. I thank the volunteers and take on the last 12 miles of the course.

I'm on a straightaway that has a tailwind and cruising along and I see two wild turkeys on the side of the road. one darts across the road right in front of me. WTF?! I swerve to miss it. What a story that would have made.

As I'm climbing the last big climb before going into the park, I pass mile marker 50. The red truck is behind me, they tell me that T2 closes at 12:55 and I had better hurry (or something like that). The headwind coming across the damn is just stupid. He comes next to me and says to ride behind him. Whatever, at this point I'm game and I ride behind his bumper. My legs are cramping so much I'm crying without realizing it. I want to just stop and get off. No, fucking go forward. Finally onto the last giant roller before T2, I go flying down the hill at 32MPH behind two other girls. There's a lot of traffic, because you know, most people are now done with the race and are leaving. The car in front of us STOPS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL. There's no room to go to the right, to the left we'll hit on coming traffic. Are you fucking kidding me?! We have to stop so we don't hit the car. There's no momentum to take us up the hill. My legs are toast and there's not another climb left in the deck of cards. I hop off my bike and take off running. I get to the top of this hill and I see the red truck driver, an Ironman employee named Brian stop, get out and push the girl in front of me as she gets back on her bike. I'm starting to pedal and he comes back to push me. So not okay. So does not matter, I want to be done and he wants to see me get to T2. He follows us in, honking his horn to clear traffic. Which also brings attention from runners and finishers. People aren't laughing, they're not snickering at us. They are cheering the last three girls in, rooting us on, encouraging us.

I get to T2 and assume my day's over and ask. The volunteer says do you want it to be? I don't even think, I scream no and take off running to rack my bike. I swap my shoes and take out for the run. It's hot. My shirt fits like shit. My legs are tired and cramping. My tank is on E, both physically and emotionally. But I do a run/walk to the first aid station. At this point I'm pretty sure I won't make the race cut off, but I'll try. Maybe a miracle will happen. I see Brian's car and run down to it to try to change my shirt, but no dice, it's locked for the first time that weekend- ha.

The first three miles sucked ass. I was at 20 minute miles. It's down the hill to T1 and then back up it. It took forever. I ran into Brian on my way down and asked him to find me a new shirt in my stuff. He  had just gathered up all his stuff after finishing his race, but like a saint he brought it to me. I tried to convince him to convince me to quit. He gave encouraging words, ultimately leaving it to me and I kept going. The other 3 plus miles of the loop are in the camp ground. This part of the run was easier, I was picking up the pace some and the running was feeling better. I was now starting to pee so I knew I was hydrating. I thought I would run to the finish after the first loop and turn in my timing chip and call it a day.

Then I ran past a group of campers who had finished. I heard a guy read the back of my shirt "You. Inspired" He said "damn right I am inspired, you go girl." Then it clicked. Fuck the finish time. Fuck the rules. They can come get my timing chip, it doesn't matter I'm going to finish 70.3 miles today. I've done a loop, I know the course, I'll finish, even if its in an empty field. I see Brian and he's again amazing and gets all my shit out of transition for me and takes it to the car. I ask if he's okay waiting for me to finish, he of course is.

I go to start my second loop and a biker comes after me saying I didn't make the 10K cutoff and my day is over. I tell him he can have my chip, I'm going to keep running. He says there will be no aid stations and the roads will be open. I say that's okay, take off my chip and give it to him. This girl next to me says "give her the chip, what's the big deal?" People are cheering for me. I thought for sure I'd get weird looks and laughs, but no, people are telling me to finish strong.

Brian meets me with a bottle of water and we develop a plan so he can get me more at various places on the course, because it's hot at this point and without it, it might get dicey. He's my own personal mobile aid station and I could never thank him enough to show my gratitude. The red truck shows up again and drives besides me as I shuffle. I tell him I don't need a timing chip and then get choked up and say nor a medal to go 70.3 miles today. He smiles and says, you finish this, you've got it, and I'll save you a medal at the finish. He asks my name, turns out his is Brian. That's three fantastically supportive Brian's on my Ironman journey, I'd say it's a good name :)

As I get into the camp ground again and most of the campers have packed up and gone home. But the ones that are still there stand up as I jog by and they root me on. A guy finisher about 23 years old chases me down and gives me another bottle of water. People clap and tell me to finish strong. Another camp site asks if I need anything, I tell them not now, but I would love some fruit on my way back. He hops up and goes into the camper. I finally hit the last run turnaround and make my way back. A woman says she's inspired and hands me a gatorade. About this time the Ironman clock has officially ended, but I'm still going. I see Brian again and he goes the last mile or so with me. We go by the fruit camper again and his daughter is running besides me cheering me on and he offers me sliced oranges and gels.

I'm doing my best to try to fight off tears, but they can't be stopped. The generosity and support of complete strangers is so overwhelming. It's so nice to know good people are all around us, willing to help someone else out.

I finally round my way to the finish line where the staff is taking everything down. The clock and arch are long gone, but the finisher's chute is still there. I run to the finish and see Brian Mays, the guy from the red truck and the race director are standing there ready to put my finishers medal on and give me a hat. The entire staff is cheering for me. The race director says that's why they do these races, for the pros and for the every day people who push themselves. They've never seen anyone finish it after their chip is taken. I do know I am not alone. I have a friend that finished IM Louisville after midnight. It's not the official finish that makes you and Ironman. It's the journey and the tenacity to complete the distance you set out to achieve.

It was a tough day. It was a roller coaster of emotions. It wasn't the day I expected to have. Cedar Point in September, I didn't deserve to finish. I hadn't put in the training. But I finished, on their official time. This race I trained my ass off and I deserved to finish, but I didn't finish with an official time. It's fucked up in my head, but it's life. Not everything goes to plan. I don't want to make excuses. I should have trained more in Southern Indiana but I didn't realize it until after. I do know that the Chrissy in 2012 would have NOT been able to finish this race, official time or not.

So many times I wanted to Fuck Everything And Run. That's FEAR. Instead I faced everything and raced, albeit slow, but I finished every fucking mile. 

I believe this race was a blessing in disguise. I got my ass handed to me. I even got a shitty email from a "friend" calling out my ability to do an Ironman and not die and questioning my life. But I learned more lessons as I continue to train for Arizona. Had I had a great day, had I crushed it, I wouldn't have realized some of these things. These lessons are the silver lining. 

I realize I DO NOT want to have that red truck (purple, green, whatever the fucking color) follow me in Arizona. I DO NOT want to have someone coming after my timing chip. I WANT to finish with the finish line still alive and well. It's my dream to hear Mike Reilly's voice say "Chrissy Vasquez from Fishers, Indiana, You are an Ironman." To get there, I need to be more diligent in my training, I need to get more rest, work on my mental toughness and I need to continue to take care of me. I also learned, that shit happens. How do I cope if something goes wrong? A million things can happen before the start line and race day, shit that you can't plan for or calculate. 

Life's not always about what goes right. It's about how you handle things when something doesn't go right. How do you adapt and overcome. This has made me stronger.

People see this as a threat to my health. The truth is? It's great for my health. For once in my life I'm putting ME first. MY training comes first. I finally love myself enough to do that. And I would say despite all the falls, cuts, bruises, allergies, blisters and shit, I'm the healthiest I've ever been. One day post race I feel amazing, I really haven't felt this good physically after a race, ever.

My goal for the day was to finish and 70.3 miles I did go.

Behind these hazel eyes

Oh wait. Fuck. I have brown eyes. I swear sometimes I can't remember anything. Well, same message, there's something behind these eyes.

If we're not friends on Facebook then you don't know that every time I fall off my bike, I've posted something about it. A picture where I fell the first time. A status about falling again exactly a week later. Third week, woohoo! No fall. Week four, doh, Sunday, like clock work I fell over again.

I had a friend ask me how I could put it out to the world. How was I okay with letting people know that  I fall off my bike. Wasn't I afraid that people would be laughing at me and making fun of me as they read their news feed. An Ironman in training doesn't fall off their bike. And if they do, they certainly don't tell anyone, and don't put it on social media. Well, my reply: fuck that. Life happens. We all fall.

But it's how you handle it that makes you a stronger person. By sharing with other people about my falls and setbacks, others can see you don't have to be graceful to go after your goals. By sharing my experiences good AND bad, I hope others see you don't have to be perfect in achieving your goals. You can finish dead last and still make your dreams come true.

Several years ago I would have NEVER posted that on Facebook or let people know this blog existed. Did we even have Facebook? Well, not the point, I digress. I would have only posted the positive. I would have only posted pictures from my good side, untagged hideous pictures of me and turned off my wall so people couldn't have posted anything questionable.

Well, I found out that living in that bubble didn't REALLY make me happy. Living life out loud, coloring outside the lines, taking risks and not caring if people make fun of me, was what made me happy. Sharing my raw feelings, sometimes ugly and sometimes beautiful helps me grow as a person and I only hope it inspires someone else to live the life they love without fear.

Oh shiny object...
So I've got the taper tantrums. I'm not even tapering, this week was lighter but not as light as it would be the week of a big race. Ironman Kansas 70.3 on Sunday will be a long training day. I'll use it to figure out where I'm really sucking (um, swim, god please, I don't want to drown in Kansas, Nick will know and find me) and where I can use some fine tuning.

One second I'm so excited to race a good race Sunday. The next second I'm nervous and nauseous. Repeat. All. Day. Long.

I really shouldn't be nervous. I am CONFIDENT that I'm a million times more prepared for this race than I was Cedar Point 70.3 last September. A) I've been on my bike more than two times in the last two months. 2) My run is getting stronger. D) I'm no longer carrying a bucket from Auto Zone to transition. (Yeah, I was that girl!)

I've been reading race reports. People say it's the toughest course they've done. Ugh. Sometimes too much info isn't good. Okay wipe that shit clean. Time for a pep talk.

I'm going to go out and give it my all. My goal for this race is to make it to the finish without running out of official Ironman time. I'm going to rotate, exhale fully and kick in the swim. I'm going to properly pace myself on the bike and leave some in the tank for the monster hill at mile 50. My mantra on the run is DO NOT FUCKING STOP (DNFS). My brain telling me to walk/slow/stop is my own worse enemy.

I'm going to use the time during the day to reflect. Where I've come from and where I'm going. I have a lot of memories of Kansas as that's where I went to high school. The person I was 15 16 years ago (damn I'm old!) when I left is so different than the person I am today. The person back then thought I had to be married to be happy. If I still thought that I could call my ex boyfriend from high school. The dude has a 6th sense and the second I step foot into Missouri he texts me. It's fucking weird. Of course if I called him I'm pretty sure my parents and most of my friends would disown me.

If you'd like to follow along on Sunday you can follow bib 746 at
www.ironman.com select Ironman Kansas 70.3