30,000 feet; makes me wanna puke

This past Saturday marked 3 months out from Ironman Arizona. I started the day with a mile open water swim then headed out for a 62 mile bike ride. I popped a spoke on my back wheel of my ZIPP around mile 16 and my ride was over. I was so bummed fucking pissed.

Trying to look to the silver lining I thought it was better to happen in a training ride and not the big race. Sunday I went out for another go. At mile 20 with my gears feeling really slow, I stopped to spin my back wheel. It didn't even make it all the way around. Jesus Christ. I centered my wheel and it was like night and day.

Here I am 3 months out and still making stupid, rookie mistakes. I know better than to not check my wheels after putting it back on the bike. The rest of my 70 mile ride was MUCH better, amazing what proper working equipment will do.

70 is my longest ride to date. I went home and fell asleep after lunch. Woke up and felt like I got run over by a truck. I FREAKED out, how in the hell was I going to go another 42 miles then run a marathon? The view of the Ironman from 30,000 feet makes me want to puke. Not nearly as bad as a year ago, but it still freaks me out.

After calming myself down I thought back to just a few months ago. A 50 mile ride was a huge deal. I had prepare the night before, pack my stuff and go to bed early; just like a long ride. Now it's no big deal. 50 miles is just a medium ride, I don't even think about it before I roll out. I don't have to hype myself up for it. I'm trying to remind myself it will all come together. I have a great coach, nutritionist and plenty of friends to guide me. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

A friend shared this bit with me:
"that's called an epiphany, not a freak out. A freakout does not provide opportunity to grow, an epiphany does"

I was in New Orleans a few weeks ago for a board meeting and convention. People I haven't seen in two years were telling me they read every blog I post and I inspire them. One of my friends that avoids social media has my blog on her bookmark bar. I'm getting much better at accepting those compliments and saying thank you. I've never been good at that, usually I feel the need to reply with a compliment back. One of the guys on our Back on My Feet has been helping me with that. Just another example of how I get out just as much as I give by being involved.

One of my friends and I went to Tarot card reader in a voodoo shop. It was just for fun. You know those cards can be applied to anything going on your life. Basically said I needed to let go of a resentment where I felt betrayed and then I could experience full happiness in all aspects of my life. She also said I was playing a role in a bigger picture now and hadn't fully embraced it.

As silly as the experience was, it's really caused me to stop and reflect. Training for an Ironman is so much more than the physical. It's more about the mental. Sharpening my mental focus and pushing myself beyond whatever I thought possible. In the past two weeks of reflection I've started to let go of this resentment I've been carrying for far too long. It's freeing, but a little scary. In a weird way the resentment has protected me from being vulnerable. Being vulnerable sucks, I hate it. But I often forget that being vulnerable can sometimes open me to amazingly beautiful experiences.

I spent this past weekend with lots of different friends; some of which have come with my new tri way of life. I really loved it. People who love me for who I am. I don't have to dumb myself down or talk myself up. People who have seen me at my best and my worst and it doesn't change their opinions of me, one would even argue it makes them love me more. Friends who inspire me more than I could ever express. Just another gift of my journey on the road to Ironman.

In my career I've been blessed that I can be both strategic and operational. Help develop the high-level big picture and then break it into operational tasks to achieve that strategy. So it's a bit out of my comfort zone to be struggling with the overall picture of Ironman right now. But I need to trust in my training and wait for the big picture to come together November 17.