5 months that lead back to zero

Hey there. It's been a while. Last we chatted I was telling you about my new scar. Well fast forward five months and it's doing well. I've gained full mobility and the scar makes an appearance every day unless I'm wearing a crew neck top.

I can't lie, I enjoyed those few months over the winter where I couldn't do too much. Workouts were fun, back to 30-40 minutes, like normal people do. I had plenty of free time and I looked around at how much shit I've accumulated since I moved into my house in July of 2003.

I read "The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up" and while I found some of the stuff in there hokey, I took a lot of it to heart. At the same time my fridge broke and I was a few days without one. So it was the perfect time to start pitching stuff. I looked at everything with a critical eye, do I really need this? The entire process took me about a month, I went out of order for the book as that is what worked for me. I got rid of more than 50 trash bags of things that were donated to charity. I got rid of old programs, posters and photos of things I thought I'd want when I was 50. Well guess what I didn't want it at 36, so I probably wouldn't care at 50.

The things I couldn't donate I threw out, which was another 20 trash bags (because let's be honest, while your trash is another's treasure, sometimes your shit is just trash, so don't donate it thinking someone can use it just because you can't and make the non-profit throw out your trash. Case in point, read this great article Stop giving your crap to the poor)

I sold a lot of old purses and goods on a facebook garage sale site. The book is all about clearing out the clutter, things you don't need, living on less and creating spaces in your home that spark joy. I hated my dining room table so I took my money and bought one that makes me happy. I repainted some cabinets and my entertainment center. Now my house sparks enormous joy. Everything has its place and it will take me an hour to clean my house top to bottom at the end of the week. People can come over with zero notice. It's really nice.

It couldn't have come at a better time. I'm working really hard to pay off my credit card debt. The years of traveling with friends who made 3x as much as I did, the ridiculous amounts of drinking with people who couldn't afford the tab during my early 30s mid-life crisis, buying too much for others, Ironman, etc. So getting rid of so much shit in my house made me want to puke. I was literally sick to my stomach looking at all the things I "thought" I had to have that I never touched. It pairs nicely when you're trying to stop spending. So I think extra long and hard now when I buy things, I don't go to Target, I grocery shop on a list and reduced eating out.

All this organization allowed me to have time to make my tshirt blanket I've been wanting to do for years. One side is triathlon and the other side is running. I made a duvet cover and have more than 70 shirts of memories to keep me warm on winter nights. (Because who the fuck wants to date?! I'm all stocked up on crazy)

It's been good for work, too. We're building a new staff that so far is working out really nicely. We've got a HUGE project we're announcing at our big fundraising event in April, that has pretty much doubled, if not tripled my work. But it's great progress and will launch us forward so it's exciting stuff. Staying better organized and on-top of things has been helpful. It's just nuts, every time I think it will slow down it doesn't, so I guess I just need to accept that crazy and nuts is how it is running a small non-profit.

So wait, what about training?
Ha, so that's what I've been avoiding. And by avoiding, it's not like I've not been training. I guess I just haven't been taking it very seriously. Which I think has been my problem since day 1 back in 2009. I don't push myself to the max every workout. People tell me "you deserve a break, slow down, rest" and I think I take it to heart when I shouldn't. I need to go all out, that's who I am. So when I try to put the brakes on and take it easy, it doesn't work. I need to go with what I know works. Life isn't about being balanced every day, it's about at the end, when you close the book, is the book balanced? I believe mine will be if I continue to work my life how I KNOW I need to work it. I work hard and I play hard, I always have.

I feel guilty when people tell me I work too much. I feel guilty when people tell me they think I'm always traveling. Here's what I think, I don't think they see the other side of the pendulum. Those who see the work side of me don't see the other side. Those who say I travel/play too much, don't see me answering emails at 11 PM at night, or working on a grant at 10 AM on a Sunday, or talking to a member that's upset on a Saturday after a race. I also realize people say things like that because they're jealous, I know, because I do too. We always criticize that of others that we don't like about ourselves.

Today's a new day. A day to start fresh. To get serious about the things that matter. I need to stop my head from thinking "you should be here, you should be able to ride xx miles" because honestly, the 5 months has set me back to zero. I have to approach it all like it's brand new, like I've never raced before, otherwise I'll always be my own worst enemy. My speed isn't getting faster, why? Because I haven't done what I need to in order to get faster. I have to stop thinking I'll go after it in my next workout, because maybe today's is all that I have. There's no guarantees in life, I should have learned that in my bike accident in September. Real results take real work. There's no excuses, no wrap, shake or pill that will get you there. Just hard work and keeping yourself honest. Thanks to those in my life that help keep me honest.

I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.

<<Brain dump end>>