I dropped Brian off at his house and drove myself to JC Penney so I could get a front close bra. So I got welcomed to the broken clavicle club by several of my hard core cycle friends. They are all male, I bet they didn't have to worry about putting on a bra by themselves.
I walk into the store and enter the lingerie department. No one to be found, I look a few sections over in each direction, only men. So I realize I'm going to have to go this one solo. I start bawling. Like uncontrollable crying. Tears gushing down my face, chin quivering crying. Which fuck, makes my ribs hurt, which causes me to cry more.
I finally find some front close bras, like the kind your 90 year old grandma wears (no offense!) and they of course are on the bottom shelf of this display. I can't bend over really well as my shoulder throbs and my ribs feel like they're going to poke through my skin. So I lower myself to my knees, put the bra package in my teeth and use the display to pull myself back up to my feet with my good arm. All while crying and praying this entire rack doesn't come down on me.
I look for the dressing room. Who am I kidding, I'm about running on "E" at this point and realize that if I get my shirt off to try this on, it's probably game over for energy and the shirt is not going back on. So I go in the corner and take the sling off and try the bra on over my shirt. Now I'm crying more as I'm in pain, mortified and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sure it was quite the scene for anyone walking by.
I then try my hardest to stop crying and wipe the tears from my eyes so I can go check out. While I'm doing this, I think "stop it Chrissy. You have so many people that love and care about you, you could probably even call someone right now to come to the store to help you. Pull your shit together." It makes me think about some of our team members at BoMF. Some of our members only have our running family to help them in times of need. This puts a lot in perspective for me. It makes me more proud that I'm a part of something that helps others in such a profound way that so many of us (including me) take for granted. It also makes me feel even more compassion for what our members and the homeless in general are going through.
I get home and start unpacking my tri bag so the wet stuff can get washed. I see my helmet for the first time. A brand new as of Wednesday night, $240 helmet. One that at the time, I wasn't sure I really needed. But my other race helmet fit a little small and hurt my head and was about 10 years old. I see how scuffed and banged up it is. It hits me like a ton of bricks, although my injuries are pretty insignificant, it could be a lot worse. What would have happened if I didn't buy that helmet? Would I even be here typing or would I be in the ICU in Augusta?
I know things happen for a reason. I may have to pull myself out of a pity party from time to time during this recovery process, but I know that through it all, I am so lucky and blessed.
More to come later about the accident, I did pause my Garmin, you know, that important stuff.
Thanks for the love and support.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Saturday, May 16, 2015
TedX Experience! Taxi cab to Ironman - Relating homelessness and running
This year's topic was reinvention: your company, your customers and ourselves; a volunteer that works at Lilly happened to be involved with this year's TedX event and knew enough about my journey so he approached me about telling my story and tying it in the reinvention that occurs at Back on My Feet.
It was an internal event so I said sure. No big deal, not really thinking about the details. I had 180 other things going on between then and now, including three races and our largest fundraising event of the year for more than 350 people. So I didn't give it much thought. As I would find out later, it was a really big deal!
A few weeks out I started to think about what I would say. I found out that my title and slides were due pretty far in advance, so they offered a workshop on how to put together a Ted talk. Hosted by Rob, the recently retired speech writer for the company and three CEOs for more than 20 years, he gave us great tips on how to get the audience's attention, a catchy title and that you had to have a call to action. So I came up with the title "Taxi Cab to Ironman - relating homelessness and running."
The Sunday before my big talk (5 days to be exact) I started to put together my thoughts. I watched about 5 Ted talks online to get inspiration. Nothing. Then I came across Diana Nyad's Ted talk (first woman to swim from Cuba to Florida) and I was in awe and I knew what I was going to do.
Monday morning (4 days!) I put my thoughts to paper and wrote the 10 minute talk. Approximately 5 hours later I went to Lilly to present it for my friend Tim, who gave one last year, my friend Tom who had recommended me and the event organizer Jeff. It was really great to be able to get up and experience the stage and the BRIGHT lights that made me feel like I was melting wax.
I decided to read from my notes at this point, I didn't want to memorize something that was going to change and then chance making a mistake on Thursday. I read it and asked what to cut. They said absolutely nothing. Crap, I'm over 30 seconds. They gave a few suggestions of things to add to clarify terms such as "they took my timing chip." They all agreed it was pretty kick ass and they were laughing and even getting a little choked up.
I do some fine tuning and present it again on Wednesday. This time for Rob and about a dozen other employees on the TedX committee. I'm just about as nervous as when I went to the start line of Ironman Arizona. The man who writes all the speeches for the CEO of one the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world was going to be listening to me and providing feedback. ACK!
I delivered it and asked what to cut or what needed to be clarified. Rob: "nothing, it was perfect. Can't wait for tomorrow!"
What?! Nothing? Was I hearing that right? No way. I went to my car, pulled up "Damn it Feels Good to Be A Gangster" from the movie Office Space on my phone and drove back to work.
Thursday morning arrived! Gah! I was a little nervous, had I memorized everything?
At lunch I went to practice. I was missing lines, I couldn't remember what I was supposed to say, I was repeating content. Sweet Jesus, I was totally and utterly screwed. I was about to make a complete idiot of myself, my organization and this opportunity.
The creator of School House Rocks was on stage before me, a little entertainment before I kicked off the "reinventing ourselves" section of the day. I went back stage to get my mic on and read through everything one more time. I couldn't concentrate with his singing, so I plugged my ears and read the content as many times as I could. He was about to wrap up so I was waiting on the side of the stage. Then he decided he wanted to sing another song! The organizers are freaking out, he's already over his time. It was pretty funny. Then he starts another verse, then starts talking about planned parenthood. A train off the tracks. This laughter back stage really relaxed me.
At the very end my mind went completely blank about my closing thought. I took a long pause as I gathered my thoughts, I racked my brain "Chrissy, come on! THINK! What are you supposed to say now?!!" I found the line in the corner of my mind and finished the talk.
Immediately after I left stage Rob found me and gave me a huge hug. He said I had nailed it and he was so inspired and impressed. Jeff found me and about knocked me over with a hug saying I had hit the ball out of the park. I couldn't walk 10 feet without someone stopping me. I went to go in the lobby to say good bye to a friend who had come and I was approached about speaking at two conferences coming up! I got a text "You had me crying and then immediately laughing" and it was talked about by employees after as I received several more messages from people who had "heard" about how powerful my story and talk was.
The audience was 250 people and more than 4,000 online in 30 countries and there were several "watching" parties at other Lilly offices. There were about a dozen executives from other companies in addition to ones from Lilly. The work that Back on My Feet is doing, especially the powerful outcomes through personal reinvention, was the focus the second half of my talk and I hope it will be what sticks with the audience.
I appreciate all the support! Everyone was so kind to pass along words of encouragement! Thanks to everyone who was able that made it a point to attend the presentation. When I get a link to the recording I will share it.
This experience happened at THE right time in my life. I'm so thankful for this experience and so lucky for the opportunity! Timing is everything and I'll post about how this experience was exactly what I needed another time.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
My heart is full
It's been a few days and the sting of Sunday is starting to fade. I cannot fully express my gratitude for all of the love and support that was provided to me after the heartache of having to end my day 15 miles short. I'm blown away and quite frankly speechless (which is rare!) at the outpouring of love, support and comments.
I went to make an edit on Tuesday night, less than 24 hours since I posted my race report and I already had 1,000 visitors to that blog entry. Many of you have said it, and I'm starting to believe it, I probably will never know the reach of my story and what inspiration it may provide to others. As I've said all along, this blog and sharing my story was selfish to help me learn, grow and heal. I'm so blessed that many people from all over the globe have tuned in to watch it unfold and cheer me on.
I have some people I'd like to publicly thank in no specific order:
-God and Alanon - through this I have found a renewed contact with my higher power that has made this journey possible. Without this, I would have never passed my fears and made myself vulnerable to share this journey so openly with strangers and friends alike.
-My parents - Your love and support has been unconditional. From embracing your fears of me falling off my bike to understanding the tri lingo, you both are the reason this has all been possible. Thanks for never telling me "you can't." Although, I appreciate your advice Dad, but I can't do the bike last :)
-Brian - You're the closest thing I'll probably ever have to a spouse. You have taken the brunt of my bitchiness, my stress and complaints. You get all of the bad and I only hope that you get some good along with it. Thank you for always believing in me and foregoing a tropical vacation for the last two years so I can chase my dream. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes the greatest gifts and rewards don't come on the 1st, 2nd or 5th try.
-Back on My Feet - my staff and friends Brian and Liz are so supportive of my racing and training and they along with all of our wonderful volunteers, Resident Members (even in other cities) continually serve as my motivation to keep going, regardless of what I'm facing.
-Ironman Staff - Dave & Melinda, BMayes, the GodFather, Tom, Mike - you have ALL made this journey so incredible and one for the story books. I cannot thank you enough for all your love, support, shout outs, smiles, encouragement and just pure awesomeness. I look forward to seeing you at each race. Please know that I will never quit giving it my all and I WILL be racing in 2015. and 16. and 17. You get the idea :-)
-Robert & Ang - you have lifted me up in so much support that I am overwhelmed with your kindness. Thank you so much for always encouraging me and for raising two wonderful daughters. Sarg, thanks for always kicking my ass with a smile and hearty chuckle!
-Andrea, Jessica, Kerry, Danny, Klayton, Nicole, John, Mark, Francis, Ryan, Catherine, Brenda, Tina, Bud & Jill, Robin, Deb, Elysha, Monika and everyone on the course that was out volunteering and cheering. Thank you so much for being out there. Thank you to all my friends that were there in spirit that wanted to be there! Thanks to Marti and Andrea for setting intentions for me in your classes!
-Shea and all the coaches at the Cycle Studio (Kyla, Josh, Julian, Ryan and David) - Last year's Chrissy would have never made the bike cutoff in this year's conditions. Thank you for your coaching and support. Shea thanks for making sure my mind and body got to the start line ready to rally!
-Chris & Matt Tanner - RecoverFast is awesome and that hyperbaric chamber has made the difference in my breathing (and sleep at night!) and my friend even commented on the run Sunday I sounded like a different person.
-Dr. Matt and Apex Therapy (Damon and Jenni) - you all keep me continually able to keep going physically!
-FitLivin' - a great group of local athletes that are here to support each other in their goals, no matter how big or small.
-My family, friends, and AKPsi brothers - I cringe at doing a public call out, because it never fails, you always miss someone, even when you do not mean to. So please know that everyone that has ever said anything to me, read a blog post or supported my fundraising campaign has a stake in my journey. It all matters. It all lifts me up. It all encourages me to keep going.
Through this journey, that isn't even close to being done, I've pushed myself far more than I ever dreamed possible. I've had some huge wins and some disappointing misses, but I'm still here, stronger than ever moving forward. Together we have raised more than $20,000 for Back on My Feet to help change the lives of others - thank you!
What's next?
The next few months will include serious focus on my diet and nutrition. I'm so excited to get back to CrossFit next week and work on strength. 2015 will bring several 70.3 races and RAINStorm. I'll go volunteer at #IMAZ to cheer friends on and register so I can toe that line again in 2016.
I went to make an edit on Tuesday night, less than 24 hours since I posted my race report and I already had 1,000 visitors to that blog entry. Many of you have said it, and I'm starting to believe it, I probably will never know the reach of my story and what inspiration it may provide to others. As I've said all along, this blog and sharing my story was selfish to help me learn, grow and heal. I'm so blessed that many people from all over the globe have tuned in to watch it unfold and cheer me on.
I have some people I'd like to publicly thank in no specific order:
-God and Alanon - through this I have found a renewed contact with my higher power that has made this journey possible. Without this, I would have never passed my fears and made myself vulnerable to share this journey so openly with strangers and friends alike.
-My parents - Your love and support has been unconditional. From embracing your fears of me falling off my bike to understanding the tri lingo, you both are the reason this has all been possible. Thanks for never telling me "you can't." Although, I appreciate your advice Dad, but I can't do the bike last :)
-Brian - You're the closest thing I'll probably ever have to a spouse. You have taken the brunt of my bitchiness, my stress and complaints. You get all of the bad and I only hope that you get some good along with it. Thank you for always believing in me and foregoing a tropical vacation for the last two years so I can chase my dream. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes the greatest gifts and rewards don't come on the 1st, 2nd or 5th try.
-Back on My Feet - my staff and friends Brian and Liz are so supportive of my racing and training and they along with all of our wonderful volunteers, Resident Members (even in other cities) continually serve as my motivation to keep going, regardless of what I'm facing.
-Ironman Staff - Dave & Melinda, BMayes, the GodFather, Tom, Mike - you have ALL made this journey so incredible and one for the story books. I cannot thank you enough for all your love, support, shout outs, smiles, encouragement and just pure awesomeness. I look forward to seeing you at each race. Please know that I will never quit giving it my all and I WILL be racing in 2015. and 16. and 17. You get the idea :-)
-Robert & Ang - you have lifted me up in so much support that I am overwhelmed with your kindness. Thank you so much for always encouraging me and for raising two wonderful daughters. Sarg, thanks for always kicking my ass with a smile and hearty chuckle!
-Andrea, Jessica, Kerry, Danny, Klayton, Nicole, John, Mark, Francis, Ryan, Catherine, Brenda, Tina, Bud & Jill, Robin, Deb, Elysha, Monika and everyone on the course that was out volunteering and cheering. Thank you so much for being out there. Thank you to all my friends that were there in spirit that wanted to be there! Thanks to Marti and Andrea for setting intentions for me in your classes!
-Shea and all the coaches at the Cycle Studio (Kyla, Josh, Julian, Ryan and David) - Last year's Chrissy would have never made the bike cutoff in this year's conditions. Thank you for your coaching and support. Shea thanks for making sure my mind and body got to the start line ready to rally!
-Chris & Matt Tanner - RecoverFast is awesome and that hyperbaric chamber has made the difference in my breathing (and sleep at night!) and my friend even commented on the run Sunday I sounded like a different person.
-Dr. Matt and Apex Therapy (Damon and Jenni) - you all keep me continually able to keep going physically!
-FitLivin' - a great group of local athletes that are here to support each other in their goals, no matter how big or small.
-My family, friends, and AKPsi brothers - I cringe at doing a public call out, because it never fails, you always miss someone, even when you do not mean to. So please know that everyone that has ever said anything to me, read a blog post or supported my fundraising campaign has a stake in my journey. It all matters. It all lifts me up. It all encourages me to keep going.
Through this journey, that isn't even close to being done, I've pushed myself far more than I ever dreamed possible. I've had some huge wins and some disappointing misses, but I'm still here, stronger than ever moving forward. Together we have raised more than $20,000 for Back on My Feet to help change the lives of others - thank you!
What's next?
The next few months will include serious focus on my diet and nutrition. I'm so excited to get back to CrossFit next week and work on strength. 2015 will bring several 70.3 races and RAINStorm. I'll go volunteer at #IMAZ to cheer friends on and register so I can toe that line again in 2016.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Crushed... but it's what I do with it now
The stage was set for crushing my Ironman PR. Instead the day crushed me. But I will not let it define me. I will not let it destroy my spirit. I will be back on the 140.6 course and I will officially finish.
In T1 I was greeted by Elysha and she helped me get ready for the bike. It was much different going into the change tent when it was packed. I PR'd my swim by 12 minutes, so it was a different scene than last year!
I went to call for my bike and who's there to hand it off to me but Glenn! Sarg said he saw Glenn who had been given the word that I had made my way so he was waiting. Made my day!
As I headed out I went to turn on my Cateye and it slipped out of the holder and bounced on the ground. It had been working half the time anyway so I just left it. I made my way out to the Bee Line trying to catch my legs and my breath. The head wind going north was bad. And it got worse as I got to the Bee Line. It just sucked. But at the top I saw my family and Klayton and it was a nice reward for climbing against the worst winds in 11 years on race day (I've heard anywhere from 20-30 mile per hour head winds). The tail wind going down was a nice reward too. As I pedaled down (until I ran out of gear) I saw how miserable everyone was climbing.
I came down the Bee Line and saw Robin. I came into town and the crowd just re-energizes you! I saw Francis, Andrea, Kerry, Danny, Nicole, John and Mark. I had made it back into town to start loop two within my goal time of 2 hours and 10 minutes (hoping that I could hit 16.5 mph at least). I headed out for loop two and the wind had gotten stronger. Half way out I stopped to pee and stretch my legs. Then I tried my best to pound out the rest of the climb. There were times I just had to stare at the pavement under my wheel to keep my focus. On the way down my vision got blurry. Not sure what that was about. I was 100% on top of my nutrition and handling it well.
After the 2nd climb I was really dreading going back up the Bee Line again. and from the look of the faces around me, I wasn't alone. At this point I'm realizing that once again the race is going to come down to the run. So I tried to just finish the bike so I could have some legs left for the run. I had worked hard on the run this year, I knew I could chase it down, so I prayed to God and finished up the bike.
Coming off the bike I wanted to leave it behind me. I know that last year's Chrissy would have never made the cutoff. I was pissed that I wasn't able to really show how much my bike had improved, but who can control the weather. I surprised myself by not getting as frustrated as I could have in the past. It was the longest I have ridden in that strong of head winds and cross winds. It just sucked. As I was coming back down the Bee Line my vision was weird again and I was shocked to see how many people were still coming up the road behind me, at least 300 people, maybe more. (last year there was only about 50.) My time was slower than last year, but it was a fucking hard bike. Have I said that enough :) I saw Jessica, Brenda, Tina and Catherine as I came back in.
Going into the run my legs felt great. Sarg reminded me to shake it off. I shouted back across transition "I know I fucked the bike, it's in the past." I then apologized to the volunteer helping me and she just laughed and said it wasn't the worst she had heard.
I used base salts for the run and they worked great, no cramping. I also was drinking as my plan called for. I had a hard time stomaching gels and I just felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. But nothing. So I kept going. I realized I hadn't tightened my shoes, so as I did the shoelace broke. Mother Fucker. Oh well keep going. I did a decent amount of running, my Garmin showed my pace was okay and getting faster, my splits online tell different. So I need to figure that out, same thing happened at the Monumental.
I came back under the bridge and saw a lot of familiar faces. I saw Ryan as I crossed Priest. I came across the infamous mile marker 19 where my chip was taken last year. As I made it around to mile 9 and 10 I felt like a toy winding down. Sorry to be disgusting but I was starting to feel toxic. I had to crap yet I couldn't. It was making me feel awful. I was not moving well and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open and my mouth closed. Sarg met me and he told me I needed to pick up the pace. I went down the hill into an aid station and got tunnel vision. I couldn't focus my vision, I couldn't really hear what people were saying. I was covered in salt, not just a dusting, but crystals had formed all over my skin. I had the cold sweats, although I wasn't sweating. My hands were numb and I couldn't feel my water bottle in my hand. I got back to the aid station and asked for the medic. I stumbled on the ground and they said my hands were freezing. The wrapped them in a tshirt and trash bag as that was all they had. I started nodding off and they made me keep my head up and my eyes open. When the medic got there I had sipped a bit of water and could at least talk a little bit again. I told the medic that I hadn't peed since about mile 70 on the bike. He asked if I was taking in water and I told him the best I could. He said it was my decision but it wasn't sounding good. At this point I had been sitting waiting for about 15 minutes and the 9 pm cutoff was getting closer. It took 3 people to help me up, so I decided it wasn't worth the risk so I got in the golf cart. Jessica came riding by on her bike and I pointed at her and said I knew her, but I couldn't process who she was. She started hugging me and I immediately started crying. I felt this rush of embarrassment that I had let everyone down. Everyone that traveled to cheer me on. Everyone that was supporting me from every facet of my life. All Ironman crew that were so excited to greet me at the finish. I was so sad myself, I knew I had put the work in, the day just didn't come together like I had hoped.
I went to the medic tent and I swear it takes a fucking act of congress to get an IV in there. I had to sip chicken broth for an hour before I could finally pee and leave. The poor guy next to me kept asking for an IV and they made him lay on the ground with his legs up on a chair, wrapped in a moving blanket before they would consider it. As my friends and family came in to check on me, I started crying all over again. As I looked around at all the finisher hats and medals around me I cried. As I heard rally of the finish line just 100 feet away from me I cried. FUCK. I was here again. I thought if I could finish it last year, I could surely finish this year, and faster. I've heard over and over that's Ironman, just getting to the start line healthy is always a feat in itself.
I cannot thank everyone for their love and support. It's overwhelming and I haven't even begun to go through all the Facebook messages, posts and comments. I'll get through them all, I promise. It's so important to me and I appreciate it more than I can express.
What's next? I have a plan. I have some thoughts. I'll save that for another post. Just know that I AM NOT GIVING UP. Some would say you've failed twice, time to move on. But I know that it's in me, I know I need to evaluate and approach from another angle. There's more to write, my journey is still unfolding; it's unique and it's mine. It's been ugly and joyous, and I've shared it all with you, thanks for following along. It will continue to keep getting better. That much I know.
I went into this race with a solid plan. Reasonable times that were completely achievable. 2:45 per 100 m swim, 16 mph on the bike, 15 minute miles on the run. That with my usually pretty quick transitions would have landed me a sub 16 hour finish. Depending on how the day was going, 17 mph on the bike and 14 mm on the run was not unreasonable. I had put in the training, I was consistent in putting up the times to do this.
Arriving at the race I knew this race was 100% mental at this point. I was in good spirits, positive reinforcement. I checked in Thursday and ran into all my Ironman friends: David & Melinda, Glenn, Bryan and Tom. Great to see everyone and I found out I was going to be mentioned at the athlete's opening ceremony where Mike Reilly mentioned my quest to take care of business this year. Which then lead to filming an interview for the closing banquet video. They also filmed me before the swim start (putting on my wetsuit no less!). All very exciting and I am honored, but I refused to let it break my focus of the finish.
I took it easy Friday. Saturday I did a quick swim, bike, run. All felt good, really good. I wasn't nervous, it wasn't my first rodeo, I felt good.
I ran into everyone and was able to get pre-race hugs from the Ironman crew. Sarg, Angela and Brian helped me get ready for the swim. I headed out to the water and had to wait in a slow moving line to get in. The water level was too low for us to jump off the dock, so we had to jump off the exit stairs, making it a 300 meter swim to the floating, mass start. I was a little nervous I wasn't going to get to my spot in time for the cannon to go off, but luckily I did. The cannon went off and the washing machine, aka mass start was off! I forgot it took a few hundred yards for things to thin out, until then you're dodging people and there's a lot of starting and stopping. I made it through the turnaround and to orange bouy 1 in 50 minutes. The 2nd half was a little slower, I was losing some steam and having trouble getting refocused. So I played head games. I would look at my watch and give myself 5 minutes through a bouy and a half, or 7 minutes to get to the bridge. Around orange buoy 6 there were waves. The kayaker said it was boats, I looked up. Bullshit, it was wind. Fuck, that meant the bike was going to be fun. The last 150 yards after the 3rd turn headed back to shore seemed to take forever. But I made it out exactly on target with my goal, although I found out later my Garmin said I went 2.7 miles.
In T1 I was greeted by Elysha and she helped me get ready for the bike. It was much different going into the change tent when it was packed. I PR'd my swim by 12 minutes, so it was a different scene than last year!
I went to call for my bike and who's there to hand it off to me but Glenn! Sarg said he saw Glenn who had been given the word that I had made my way so he was waiting. Made my day!
As I headed out I went to turn on my Cateye and it slipped out of the holder and bounced on the ground. It had been working half the time anyway so I just left it. I made my way out to the Bee Line trying to catch my legs and my breath. The head wind going north was bad. And it got worse as I got to the Bee Line. It just sucked. But at the top I saw my family and Klayton and it was a nice reward for climbing against the worst winds in 11 years on race day (I've heard anywhere from 20-30 mile per hour head winds). The tail wind going down was a nice reward too. As I pedaled down (until I ran out of gear) I saw how miserable everyone was climbing.
I came down the Bee Line and saw Robin. I came into town and the crowd just re-energizes you! I saw Francis, Andrea, Kerry, Danny, Nicole, John and Mark. I had made it back into town to start loop two within my goal time of 2 hours and 10 minutes (hoping that I could hit 16.5 mph at least). I headed out for loop two and the wind had gotten stronger. Half way out I stopped to pee and stretch my legs. Then I tried my best to pound out the rest of the climb. There were times I just had to stare at the pavement under my wheel to keep my focus. On the way down my vision got blurry. Not sure what that was about. I was 100% on top of my nutrition and handling it well.
After the 2nd climb I was really dreading going back up the Bee Line again. and from the look of the faces around me, I wasn't alone. At this point I'm realizing that once again the race is going to come down to the run. So I tried to just finish the bike so I could have some legs left for the run. I had worked hard on the run this year, I knew I could chase it down, so I prayed to God and finished up the bike.
Coming off the bike I wanted to leave it behind me. I know that last year's Chrissy would have never made the cutoff. I was pissed that I wasn't able to really show how much my bike had improved, but who can control the weather. I surprised myself by not getting as frustrated as I could have in the past. It was the longest I have ridden in that strong of head winds and cross winds. It just sucked. As I was coming back down the Bee Line my vision was weird again and I was shocked to see how many people were still coming up the road behind me, at least 300 people, maybe more. (last year there was only about 50.) My time was slower than last year, but it was a fucking hard bike. Have I said that enough :) I saw Jessica, Brenda, Tina and Catherine as I came back in.
Going into the run my legs felt great. Sarg reminded me to shake it off. I shouted back across transition "I know I fucked the bike, it's in the past." I then apologized to the volunteer helping me and she just laughed and said it wasn't the worst she had heard.
I used base salts for the run and they worked great, no cramping. I also was drinking as my plan called for. I had a hard time stomaching gels and I just felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. But nothing. So I kept going. I realized I hadn't tightened my shoes, so as I did the shoelace broke. Mother Fucker. Oh well keep going. I did a decent amount of running, my Garmin showed my pace was okay and getting faster, my splits online tell different. So I need to figure that out, same thing happened at the Monumental.
I came back under the bridge and saw a lot of familiar faces. I saw Ryan as I crossed Priest. I came across the infamous mile marker 19 where my chip was taken last year. As I made it around to mile 9 and 10 I felt like a toy winding down. Sorry to be disgusting but I was starting to feel toxic. I had to crap yet I couldn't. It was making me feel awful. I was not moving well and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open and my mouth closed. Sarg met me and he told me I needed to pick up the pace. I went down the hill into an aid station and got tunnel vision. I couldn't focus my vision, I couldn't really hear what people were saying. I was covered in salt, not just a dusting, but crystals had formed all over my skin. I had the cold sweats, although I wasn't sweating. My hands were numb and I couldn't feel my water bottle in my hand. I got back to the aid station and asked for the medic. I stumbled on the ground and they said my hands were freezing. The wrapped them in a tshirt and trash bag as that was all they had. I started nodding off and they made me keep my head up and my eyes open. When the medic got there I had sipped a bit of water and could at least talk a little bit again. I told the medic that I hadn't peed since about mile 70 on the bike. He asked if I was taking in water and I told him the best I could. He said it was my decision but it wasn't sounding good. At this point I had been sitting waiting for about 15 minutes and the 9 pm cutoff was getting closer. It took 3 people to help me up, so I decided it wasn't worth the risk so I got in the golf cart. Jessica came riding by on her bike and I pointed at her and said I knew her, but I couldn't process who she was. She started hugging me and I immediately started crying. I felt this rush of embarrassment that I had let everyone down. Everyone that traveled to cheer me on. Everyone that was supporting me from every facet of my life. All Ironman crew that were so excited to greet me at the finish. I was so sad myself, I knew I had put the work in, the day just didn't come together like I had hoped.
I went to the medic tent and I swear it takes a fucking act of congress to get an IV in there. I had to sip chicken broth for an hour before I could finally pee and leave. The poor guy next to me kept asking for an IV and they made him lay on the ground with his legs up on a chair, wrapped in a moving blanket before they would consider it. As my friends and family came in to check on me, I started crying all over again. As I looked around at all the finisher hats and medals around me I cried. As I heard rally of the finish line just 100 feet away from me I cried. FUCK. I was here again. I thought if I could finish it last year, I could surely finish this year, and faster. I've heard over and over that's Ironman, just getting to the start line healthy is always a feat in itself.
I cannot thank everyone for their love and support. It's overwhelming and I haven't even begun to go through all the Facebook messages, posts and comments. I'll get through them all, I promise. It's so important to me and I appreciate it more than I can express.
What's next? I have a plan. I have some thoughts. I'll save that for another post. Just know that I AM NOT GIVING UP. Some would say you've failed twice, time to move on. But I know that it's in me, I know I need to evaluate and approach from another angle. There's more to write, my journey is still unfolding; it's unique and it's mine. It's been ugly and joyous, and I've shared it all with you, thanks for following along. It will continue to keep getting better. That much I know.
Friday, November 14, 2014
The F word for Sunday
Sunday's journey centers around one F word. No, not what you're thinking...
F - O - C - U - S
I've put in the training. I'm feeling good physically and mentally. Now the challenge is to stay there until I've crossed that line and heard those sweet words "You are an Ironman."
The last few weeks have taught me it's all mental at this point. I need to put my head in the right place and stay focused.
And the other saying for the day is I want to have a "Fuck Yes" race! (Thanks Rich for that!) I want to get to the finish line and be able to know that I've given it my all, no regrets.
My favorite saying on the wall at the Cycle Studio:
What are you afraid of?
Passing out?
(You'll live)
Not being able to breathe?
(That will eventually go away)
Not being strong enough to finish?
(You'll find the strength to follow through)
The competition?
(It only makes you work harder)
Give it everything you've got,
because you should have nothing left in you
when you cross the finish line.
Be fearless... From Start to Finish
I've unmasked my fears, stopped worrying about what ANYONE else thinks about my journey and am ready to face Sunday. With everything it has to give me, I'm ready. I'm ready to be fearless. I'm ready to give it everything I've got. I'm ready to embrace the suck. I'm ready to be victorious.
Thanks for all the love and support. You can track online at Ironman.com, click on live results, select Arizona. Bib #1301
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Running Transforms
No doubt. Running transforms lives. It doesn't do it right before your eyes, it takes time, sometimes a lot of time.
My friend Anthony was featured on the news last week for losing 100 pounds and using running to make it happen. Running and transformation were good topics for reflection Tuesday on my run along the Hudson River.
The first WTF thought was that I actually was running on vacation. Years ago, I would haven't brought running clothes with me, I wouldn't have even owned any. I certainly wouldn't have used vacation time to workout. Hell I wouldn't have even walked more than 10 blocks, it would have been "let's just hop a quick cab."
I went for a 12 mile run in Central Park last Sunday. I think for the very first time I started to admit that I do love running. I use love lightly at this point, but it's still a long way from HATING it. I thought how lucky am I to have found this sport? What other sport can you pack a pair of shoes and then go anywhere to get your workout in? What other sport lets you explore so many other parts of the city you wouldn't normally see if you hadn't been out for a run.
Sunday as I entered Columbus Circle with this thought, I took off on a trail and just followed it until I found an intersection, then randomly picked a direction. Then went in another direction. Dirt, pebbles, road; it didn't matter. I didn't really look at my watch, just followed where the day took me. For the first time on a run, I hardly walked at all, mainly only to go up some of the hills as I realized that I have shitty hill training and they kill me!
It's been a long road, and I'm still on it for a long time. But it's fun to see progress. It's exciting to see things I NEVER thought I would. It's rewarding to know that hard work does produce rewards, although it may take a while to realize them.
This past Saturday I had a goal to run a 2:45 half marathon. Slow to so many of you, yet lightening fast to me. It was a cold and super windy day. The first mile I ran 2 minutes ahead of pace and I PAID for it miles 2-3.5. My legs hurt so bad as they started to thaw out. I couldn't get my ankles to move and my legs simply were not doing what my brain was telling them to.
Going into mile 4 I knew I wasn't going to make my goal time, there was no way. It was my last chance to ditch out to go back to the finish. I really considered it, I could go get my warmer clothes on and cheer for all our Back on My Feet team members at the finish. My legs hurt. My lungs hurt. I was just done.
Then I remembered I had 50 set of eyes paying attention to what I do. Quitting because you weren't going to make your goal, that was NOT the message I wanted to send to our team members. I tell our members all the time to keep going, evaluate a goal whether made or missed and keep moving forward. I had to let my actions match my words.
I shut my brain off, told the committees in my mind to stop, put my head down and found the first person ahead of me that I wanted to chase down. Chased her down and picked out the next. and the next. and the next. This was the first time in a race that I was picking people off left and right. I ran some of my best miles of the day in the middle of the race.
By the time I got to mile 8, I thought "wow, only 5 more miles left," in the past I would have been "fuck, 5 more miles left??"
The headwind was awful going through mile 8 and by the time there was a tailwind, I just didn't have much left to pick up the pace. It was great to see Back on My Feet at the water station just before Mile 11. At Mile 12 I started walking a bit for the first time since mile 8 and then this girl that I had been trying to ditch all race came up next to me and started walking.
I thought "hell no, she's not beating me to the finish" and I started running again. My goal was to put as much space between her and I going into the finish, 8 steps, 8 feet or 1/2 a mile, she was not going cross first. When I hit the finish, I didn't know where she was behind me, but I knew she wasn't in front of me. I missed my goal time by 12 minutes. I was really bummed, pissed actually. But I still PR'd by 6 minutes and finally broke the 3 hour mark.
This race was a good mental challenge going into Arizona. The lessons I took: start slow and pace is important, shut my fucking head off and just go. I'll hurt for days after, but I can do this. I can do this faster than I think. So just go.
This transformation is still unfolding. There's still improvements and rewards to be had. It's the exact same transformation for our BoMF Team Members. It's progress not perfection and patience and self love is key.
My friend Anthony was featured on the news last week for losing 100 pounds and using running to make it happen. Running and transformation were good topics for reflection Tuesday on my run along the Hudson River.
The first WTF thought was that I actually was running on vacation. Years ago, I would haven't brought running clothes with me, I wouldn't have even owned any. I certainly wouldn't have used vacation time to workout. Hell I wouldn't have even walked more than 10 blocks, it would have been "let's just hop a quick cab."
I went for a 12 mile run in Central Park last Sunday. I think for the very first time I started to admit that I do love running. I use love lightly at this point, but it's still a long way from HATING it. I thought how lucky am I to have found this sport? What other sport can you pack a pair of shoes and then go anywhere to get your workout in? What other sport lets you explore so many other parts of the city you wouldn't normally see if you hadn't been out for a run.
Sunday as I entered Columbus Circle with this thought, I took off on a trail and just followed it until I found an intersection, then randomly picked a direction. Then went in another direction. Dirt, pebbles, road; it didn't matter. I didn't really look at my watch, just followed where the day took me. For the first time on a run, I hardly walked at all, mainly only to go up some of the hills as I realized that I have shitty hill training and they kill me!
It's been a long road, and I'm still on it for a long time. But it's fun to see progress. It's exciting to see things I NEVER thought I would. It's rewarding to know that hard work does produce rewards, although it may take a while to realize them.
This past Saturday I had a goal to run a 2:45 half marathon. Slow to so many of you, yet lightening fast to me. It was a cold and super windy day. The first mile I ran 2 minutes ahead of pace and I PAID for it miles 2-3.5. My legs hurt so bad as they started to thaw out. I couldn't get my ankles to move and my legs simply were not doing what my brain was telling them to.
Going into mile 4 I knew I wasn't going to make my goal time, there was no way. It was my last chance to ditch out to go back to the finish. I really considered it, I could go get my warmer clothes on and cheer for all our Back on My Feet team members at the finish. My legs hurt. My lungs hurt. I was just done.
Then I remembered I had 50 set of eyes paying attention to what I do. Quitting because you weren't going to make your goal, that was NOT the message I wanted to send to our team members. I tell our members all the time to keep going, evaluate a goal whether made or missed and keep moving forward. I had to let my actions match my words.
I shut my brain off, told the committees in my mind to stop, put my head down and found the first person ahead of me that I wanted to chase down. Chased her down and picked out the next. and the next. and the next. This was the first time in a race that I was picking people off left and right. I ran some of my best miles of the day in the middle of the race.
By the time I got to mile 8, I thought "wow, only 5 more miles left," in the past I would have been "fuck, 5 more miles left??"
The headwind was awful going through mile 8 and by the time there was a tailwind, I just didn't have much left to pick up the pace. It was great to see Back on My Feet at the water station just before Mile 11. At Mile 12 I started walking a bit for the first time since mile 8 and then this girl that I had been trying to ditch all race came up next to me and started walking.
I thought "hell no, she's not beating me to the finish" and I started running again. My goal was to put as much space between her and I going into the finish, 8 steps, 8 feet or 1/2 a mile, she was not going cross first. When I hit the finish, I didn't know where she was behind me, but I knew she wasn't in front of me. I missed my goal time by 12 minutes. I was really bummed, pissed actually. But I still PR'd by 6 minutes and finally broke the 3 hour mark.
This race was a good mental challenge going into Arizona. The lessons I took: start slow and pace is important, shut my fucking head off and just go. I'll hurt for days after, but I can do this. I can do this faster than I think. So just go.
This transformation is still unfolding. There's still improvements and rewards to be had. It's the exact same transformation for our BoMF Team Members. It's progress not perfection and patience and self love is key.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Committee Meeting Minutes, location: in my head
October 20, 2014
Location: Capitol Starbucks
Member 1: "What the fuck?! Can't we just stay here inside where it's warm, enjoying coffee and laughter with running buddies?"
Brain: "No, we cannot. 27 days."
Member 2: "But no one else is leaving."
Brain: "Too bad, let's get in the car. NOW"
Change in venue: Natatorium locker room
Member 3: "But your suit is still wet and damp from yesterday's swim?! That's cruel."
Brain: "WE HAVE 27 days, let's get to the pool."
Member 1: "The longer we sit here with our feet dipped in the pool the more we want to go shower."
Member 2: "No one would know if you didn't swim an hour."
Member 3: "Who's bright idea was a late fall Ironman anyway?"
Member 4: "Get your fucking ass in the pool already. Readjusting your cap won't make the pool any warmer."
Brain: "In we go."
Meeting adjourned after 3,000yd swim
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